Since I’ve joined the wider global community through online networking and blogging, and since speaking at the Alzheimer’s Australia National Fight Dementia campaign rally and appearing on the ABC TV 7.30 Report, I am gathering many new friends, people who have seen my story and want to follow or be with me in some way on the dementia train. I am humbled by the warmth and support offered to me by complete strangers, in fact often support that is far more tangible than I have received from those I know. I guess I had thought only real friends would be the ones to offer support or to follow my blog, so initially was surprised that the opposite is more accurate. We are a weird lot, and we have expectations of and feelings for others that perhaps we should analyse further before we enter into deeper relationships or friendships. Friendships and relationships have been hot topics for me over the last couple of weeks. It was discussed at length in a professional group I have been involved in, my husband and I are currently pondering the value of a current friendship we had thought was much closer than perhaps it really is, and an older friend is wondering about the value of her continuing to meet with a group of people. Another Cancerian friend and I yesterday discussed how being willing to use direct plain speak can often get us in trouble. Friendship was discussed at our family dinner last night. It is always challenging to understand and then work ones way through the maze of emotions and expectations you have placed both on yourself and on the other person or people in a group.
In all of these conversations, I have brought up the WIIFM principle (What’s In It For Me) and we have considered it at length. This principle is not about being selfish, but about all people feeling there is something worthwhile in continuing in a relationship, whether it is personal, business, or a casual acquaintance. There are times when we need to let go of friends or acquaintances who just don’t seem to fit into our world any more, or that we are simply not enjoying the time together any more. This situation could be forced upon us by illness or other life changing events. Dementia is one disease that definitely gets in the way of friendships, as so many people simply aren’t willing to get involved. The one thing agreed on in each discussion was if we choose to leave or actively stop participating in a friendship, it is best to try to do so without hurting the feelings of the other person or people if at all possible. Sometimes it just happens, and there is nothing you can do about it. Obviously there are groups you have to be involved in, for example through work or sport or volunteering, and the best way to positively manage relationships between the people you don’t especially get on with or like in these situations is to try to find a common interest, and stick to that. I suspect that lifelong friendships are indeed very rare; that is, those friends who you never fall out with, or if you have a disagreement, it is easy to get back to love and sharing without any resentment or anger. These people will always be willing to enter your world, good or bad, and will open their hearts to you. I think a truly close friendship, rather than just a social or professional acquaintance, is one where the WIIFM principle works for both parties, one where you have similar values and are willing to give to each other without expectations or limits. It seems to give and take might be the key, along with unconditional love. As a country kid I watched whole communities offering support to each other, and perhaps because of this I have probably worn my heart on my sleeve too much, opening it up to too many people. The WIIFM principle works well in business, but I wonder does it need to be applied to the people in your world who you want to be your close friends?
About now you might be wondering what the WIIFM Principle has to do with Australia Day or friendship, and why we celebrate this day at all. I feel happy to be living in a country that is as prosperous as Australia, yet despondent for the lives of many Indigenous Australians as things such as their life expectancy and levels of education are still so much lower than ours. I do wonder why it is we celebrate the birth of a white nation, achieved through the onslaught of Indigenous people and their culture. We are in it togetheras they say, as Australia is now a multi cultural country brimming with people from other countries. Today we have a population of more than 21 million people. More than 43 per cent of Australians either were born overseas themselves or have one parent who was born overseas, and Australia’s Indigenous population is estimated at 483 000, or only 2.3 per cent of the total (DFAT). Well, in all honesty, I am not sure about the relationship between the WIIFM principle and Australia Day, other than to suggest it might be a question the policy makers ask about how Australia moves forward with multiculturalism. Should the WIIFM principle be applied to immigration? Do we need a National Dish? Have we really asked ourselves what we feel about Australia Day at all? Enjoy this day, whatever you think of it! Rejoice and celebrate your friendships, and as long as the WIIFM principle is applied occasionally to everything I’m sure we’ll all get along!
I don’t know what to think of that video . . . except . . . I love lamb.
When my kids were 1, 3 and 4 we traveled to New Zealand and Tonga. I have yet to come across that same easy going travel experience and attitude except with one of my best friends who is from Australia.
We had tickets to go to Australia when my husband got sick (if you want to feel really sad visit my The Long Story of How Liver Becomes Pate post, but I don’t want you to feel sad and I think you already have more than a firm grasp on that life lesson so I’d rather you didn’t go there), but canceled and went to Hawaii instead. We opted at that moment for a vacation instead of a journey.
Kate, I don’t think your dementia has anything to do with what you have to offer the world. You are a good person. Period.
And an amazing writer and I wish you could know how much you have influenced my life – just tonight with my son, I said, “I would rather be growing more open minded than close minded,” and I got that, gleaned it, learned it, whatever you want to call it . . . from you.
And he just got that, gleaned it, learned it . . . from me.
Thank you (and it’s lamb for me tomorrow).
Hi worry warts… your response to watching these vides cracked me up! Thanks. As you say, there is not much to say about them. My son put them there to see if I’d allow them, pushing the boundaries as always. Sam Kekovich is not really that funny in my opinion, but he does portray ‘Australianism’ in its most raw state. We are by nature rather laid back and relaxed. The barbie girl one really made me laugh – when the boys were young I used to help on most of the excursions they went on, and the Barbie Girl song was in at that time, and I has to learn it as I used to sing it with all the little girls!! I do also love lamb, and it a favourite at our weekly family dinner. Perhaps I’d better put some lamb recipes onto my Project 366 Conversation page (have just started adding recipes there). Thanks fo ryour lovely words about my writing, and I am glad to have been your teacher, thereby enabling you to be your sons. It is very special that we are all learning from each other.
Interesting post – the second post today I have read that included thoughts on ending friendship (the first post I’ve read today that included thoughts on Australia Day). I’m curious about these comments.
It seems the blogging world is synchronised again then? I guess it is curious to end or even think of ending a friendship, but sometimes it is necessary to let go of one, especially if it is hurting you. Perhaps no different to ending an intimate relationship (breakup, divorce, etc) but a lot less expensive!
ps here is one of the links to those videos http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1cA2lBfYuc
(I didn’t post your other comment to retain privacy for you):-)
You are so sweet.
Will try the video now.
I’m currently traveling, so I am behind in my reading, but I’m looking forward to reading your next few posts (the titles are intriguing, especially Writing for My Life).
Totally agree mum. Enjoy this day, whatever you think of it! Rejoice and celebrate your friendships… and Just eat lamb!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k81_KP56oL0&feature=relmfu
Now, enough of this… my blog is not meant for advertising lamb!! I am only letting this one, and the other one go through as they gave me a good laugh, and I love lamb, and it was Australia Day yesterday, and becasue you now sell barbecues!! ps I love you, and thanks for joining this public forum for a change, no little messages to say don’t publish this comment!!! xxxx
you my dear son, are a crack up!!!!!!!!!!
I think the idea of national pride is both good and bad, I believe that when John Howard moved the Australia Day public holiday from the long weekend to be celebrated on the day it was the first step on a long road for Australia to find itself as a nation.
This is a transition for Australia’s great another long weekend mentality to something much deeper and actually thinking about the thinks we do that are great and awful as a country.
I saw Charlie Teo being interviewed on TV the other night, he made me proud to be an Australian, not for the things that we haven’t faced up to yet but the belief that as a country we can and will succeed.
We have only failed if we refuse to grow individually and as a country
How true are your words. I have been pondering friendship for a while as well, there are people I consider friends and feel close to even if I don’t get to see them as often as I would like (you are 1) and there are others.
I thought I had a lifelong friend, we met when our daughters started school, she came to my wedding, we celebrated many things, cried at events and were what I considered close friends. When her daughter finished school she couldn’t find a job so I got her employment with the same company i worked for. From day 1 the plotting and disrespect started, over the 12 months we worked together it was constant gossip, comments behind my back to all within the company and out. She even started including things in the friendship group with my daughter. I was finally terminated and she even turned that into a celebration! the last family celebration I was at, I was taken aside by the girls Aunty and told of some of horrible things this girl was doing even within the family, the last time I spoke with the mother I told her I couldn’t talk about the daughter as every time I asked this girl she would tell me nothing was wrong and that it was all ok. I did bring in HR to try and get this to be a workable situation.
3 weeks ago out of the blue I get a call “Hi it’s me – she says she’s over it so we can be friends again” I cried and we talked for 20 minutes – no promises on moving forward.
I have realised that will probably be our last ever conversation, I will not know what to do if she calls me again. I sent cards for births, deaths, engagements, marriages, gifts for the same and not to encourage the friendship but to try and allow smooth passage for my daughter within the friendship group as the daughter was just as nasty in her social life as her work life about me. I sent text messages for important occassions to receive silence. I grieved for 5 years for that friendship. Now so much time has passed that I do know know where to pick as the friendship was taken away by the daughter & restored at the daughters command. To me that is not a real friendship there will be this impasse. I place loyalty as one of my greatest gifts to my friends even if I can’t get to see them, I don’t hide when it gets tough, I certainly don’t ignore the hurt, the sick, the sufferer of dementia for “there but the grace of God go I”, has always been a motto. I try and Love like there is no tomorrow, I laugh loud & often, I weep tears of sorrow, I share and my involvement in your blog has inspired me to have my own but it has given me the ‘cups of tea in the kitchen” I value over many other things. WIIFM ? a friendship with you plain & simple
As you say, friendship is difficult, and often very painful, especially when things go wrong, and it is easy to grieve for a long time over losses like you have described. I also think it’s a bit weird when people from my past, especially those who have never ever shown me friendship other than the obligatory courtesy at a family event or a work reunion, send Friend requests on Facebook. After being diagnosed with dementia, a few family members and friends who I had not seen or heard from for years did offer me their sympathy, love and offers of support, but most did not. After the silence that followed coming out about dementia, and then these same silent people now wanting to be my friend on Facebook, is not only strange, but shallow. I have been stalked twice in my life (by real people, not people hiding inside computers), but online stalkers are a weird lot, and I have no reason to think otherwise. Some stalkers do it in other ways, by writing untrue things about you, or being unkind about you to your family and friends, behind your back. Just like your supposed friend you discussed above. Mostly though, it is the silence to your face and nastiness behind your back that wounds you. I am so glad my blog has inspired you to write and that you value the shared virtual cup of tea in my online kitchen.
Friendship is an ongoing thought for me too.
It was described to me years ago as: Caring about (not the same as ‘care for’), are loyal too, and wishing to spend time with eachother! To work it needs to be mutual, a two way active process.
So when it falls to one to always make contact, to organise reasons to meet, without the other making a balancing, regular contribution, its character changes, the feeling and friendship falters, and can wither and die. I mourn those times.
I am finding that others don’t make the time to cultivate and then nurture friendships. They seem to prefer relationships that are simplistic, superficial, and less ties. Where they are easier to breakoff without deeper feelings of loss. There are many opportunties to make these other easier relationships, through activities, sports, meetings, etc.
I wonder if it is affluence playing a role. People can afford and many expect these activities, sports and meetings to be organised for them? They are willing to pay someone to do that organising, rather than be part of the voluntary group who actually do the work. It is from the this smaller more active, altruistic, community group that the opportuntiy for friendship can develop. A decade or two past, it was normal for the families to walk the cricket oval with a spade to pick up the dog poo, before the game, at half time the footie oval to put the divits back, now there aren’t the vollies to do it, pay a groundsman to do it!! These affluent people blame lack of time, but that is a myth, it is lack of committment and enthusiasm. Lack of need to belong, to share, to care.
Paul
Paul, as always, your response is thoughtful and honest. I agree it must be two way, which works with my WIIFM principle too. And I think illness or ‘otherness’ plays a part, not just affluence, and as you say, a lack of active altruistic community committment and support for each other in our society.