My dear husband wrote in an email recently Life with you is anything but boring! He said it with love (??!!), and not too much frustration I hope. I have made active choices many times not to be boring, and life also has sent some curly situations my way to make sure my journey has not been too mind-numbing. Life has definitely not been dull, but it has taken me on some wild and wonderful roads, and the occasional odd pathway, some that have not always been so easy either. This is partly because I have made some really stupid decisions over the years, poor choices in love and romance, marrying for the wrong reasons, perhaps even divorcing for the wrong reasons, or for selfish reasons, not always thinking about the bigger picture. I felt guilty for years about leaving a marriage, a decision that greatly affected my young son. He says he doesn’t have any baggage from it, or any hurt or animosity towards me or his father about it either. As a mother, I can only hope and pray that is true. Obviously there are two adults involved in a relationship breakup, but with children, too often we forget what impact it will have on them. It is easier to say they are better off with parents who live separately, rather than with two people who have stopped getting along. I’m not sure about this; my personal jury is still out on that one! It did lead me though, to a new and wonderful relationship and  a very special little boy yearning for a mothers love and a stable family unit at the time, and who very quickly became my second son. I have also changed jobs when perhaps I should have stayed where I was. Once I changed careers into something completely new, without regular weekly income, and even though it was an absolute passion of mine it was hugely risky. Initially my dear husband doubted my ability to set up a productive and respected food business, but I did it, in spite of this doubt. Everything that has happened, or I have created, or the sometimes stupid choices I have made, are all a part of who I have become, and I am happy within my heart, so it seems it’s all turned out okay. I may not be thrilled to have dementia, but it has become part of my world, and I am constantly learning to manage to live with it as well as I can. I’m not that happy with our current government either, or the lack of funding for hospitals, especially country ones, but I can’t change that either. I can of course vote in the next election, but still can’t be sure my vote will count for any change that I think we need. Oh, and that perceived positive change would just be in my opinion anyway! We hang out with like-minded people, join groups and clubs with people who enjoy the same things, we often marry or go into business with someone because they have similar passions or values to us (preferably both?), but we often end things for opposing reasons. For example, we stop going to a club because we don’t like what one person has said or done, or we move on from a marriage because we think the grass is greener on the other side, or our partner has done something we feel we cannot possibly forgive. I have wondered why I think so much about so many things, but many times in my life, possibly didn’t think deeply enough about some of the things that really mattered? I guess I thought I did at the time, but retrospection is such a pain in the arse don’t you think? It is always easy to see you could have done something differently in hindsight. Suicide grief is like that too. When someone you love takes their own life, you look back in hindsight and ask yourself constantly, what could I have done or said to have prevented it. All you can do is move on, and learn to grieve without letting the grief destroy you. I have searched for meaning, for love, for insight and clarity, and at last I think I’ve found some of those things. It seems my blog today is a rambling one, taking me into the deeper recesses of my soul, perhaps as I search for more understanding, and greater meaning? Wherever my road leads me, I want to make sure that each moment is like a bright shining star, and every single ending is a new beginning.