Some may think this quote (and my belief in it) is quite perverse, but, as I am a very direct person, I’d prefer to hear a painful truth, than to be lied to about anything. Yes, anything at all, including for example, if my husband was thinking of cheating on me, or one of my kids was angry or upset with me. I wanted to know if I had dementia. I also really wish I had been told dementia is a condition causing progressive cognitive and other disabilities.
Others may prefer ‘white lies’ rather than hear the truth; I believe even an ‘omission’ of something is lying, equal to a more blatant lie. I grew up in a family who lied all the time, about almost everything, and who still do. My reaction to that, was eventually to become overtly direct, which quite often others can take as being unkind or harsh. It was likely an over-reaction from when the experience of everyone so often telling lies or ‘keeping secrets’ as was often the phrase. I became more direct then, and a lot less thoughtful about whether my directness would hurt someone’s feelings.
This explains, at least to me, some of the reasons why I do not want to be treated, as others might want to be treated. It flies in the face of the quote, “Treat others, as you would want to be treated”, which I have written about previously in a blog titled “Person Centred Care & the 10 commandments”, and ended with my quote, Don’t treat others as you would wish to be treated… but as they want to be treated!
“When you have something to say, silence is a lie.”
Jordan B. Peterson
One of the weird positives of having dementia, is it has slowed down my thinking and speaking, and I often need more time to find the words. Of course, this is not always so positive either!
However, it has been quite helpful in toning down what soem might say is my brutal honesty. My husband says he believes it is useful when I am presenting, as it appears to make me much more careful with my words. The fact that I cannot find or remember the words I want to use some of the time, is sometimes irrelevant.
Yesterday on Facebook I posted some quotes by others, about ‘truth’ more generally, and referred to a blog I am writing about the impact of childhood abuse that I experienced, as well as the negative effect of ongoing abuse by some of my family. There is another book in me specifically about this, some of which has been written. Not so long ago, I had decided not to publish it, but after the latest round of oh so subtle abuse, I’ve been re-inspired to finish writing it.
Dear Kate,
This is such an important conversation. In care circles, families, and in child-rearing, we hear so much about the ‘Golden Rule’ and to treat others how WE would like to be treated. Recently, on a Zoom call, a colleague talked about the ‘Platinum Rule’, which made a lot of sense to me. The Platinum Rule is to treat people like THEY would like to be treated. A small, but significant distinction that has changed my concept of care in many ways. Chief among them, is that I now ask what someone needs instead of assuming I know. I hadn’t thought of how much we superimpose what we’d want on others—who probably really didn’t want what we thought they did!
Lastly, I agree with JP. We all need to speak up more. A hard conversation is tough in the short term, but buys us a lot of headspace and peace of mind in the end. There’s a lot to be said for tearing the Band-Aid off swiftly, and with feeling! Then the healing can begin.
Thank you for your post; it made me think.
My best,
Laurette Klier
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Thanks for your feedback and thoughts Laurette, it is important we all speak up. Take care xx
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Thank you Kate for your continued honesty. When I first read your quote I though ‘woah, what a strange perspective’ but as I delved deeper into your conversation I came to learn why.
In my private client centred business role, I do treat people as I would also wish to be, with love, honesty, empathy and respect but additionally always ask how do you wish for me to treat you?
Your point on honesty is very valid although it is sometimes a very difficult conversation to have, it is better to talk and explain through why it’s being discussed. The difficulty sometimes stems from the person diagnosed with dementia being in denial but other times from family members pretending it’s the elephant in the room.
A point in example: Only last week I had this very conversation with my Aunt recently diagnosed with dementia, with her scan showing severe bi-frontal brain damage and moderate bi-parietal lobe damage. While in hospital recently for another matter a Dr overseeing her told her there was “nothing wrong” then when returning home and visiting a GP she hasn’t seen before the same conversation again.
At this stage she presents well, is articulate and fairly fluent in her speech due to years of higher education however we as family are noticing signs of misunderstanding, failure to comprehend once simple instructions etc. My Aunt is continually insistent that two DR’s have said she is fine while the scan results and Gerontologist report otherwise.
Why the lies and false hope she now clings override her common sense and fears of her life living with dementia. When I visited I left a note saying ‘owning the diagnosis will assist her toward living the best life possible, that we love her so very much and to never hesitate to continue reaching out to us and asking for our ongoing support.’
I hope she will come to love me again in time ….
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Thanks for your very thoughtful response Jen, and I am sure she will love you again, and loves you now, but is unable to show you that. Take care xxx
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Dearest Kate, I agree 100% about being honest and not keeping secrets or telling lies! My family too “kept secrets.” My mother didn’t want my father to know I was gay. My sister didn’t want to tell my nieces and nephew that I was gay. Both my sister and her husband kept secrets from their husbands. I cannot imagine that made for loving relationship! How about arguing most of the time or as they called it, “discussing.” Not! I respect and love your honesty and I know that many of your friends do as well. Love you. Fondly, Michael Horvich
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Love you very much my dear friend Michael, and thanks as always, for connecting here. xoxox
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