Just lately I’ve been thinking a lot about being selfish, and why most of us are, at least at some stages in our lives. It seems to me we live in a little bubble full of our own thoughts, our own answers to everything, our own likes and dislikes, our own biases and opinions about pretty much everything. Whether we know anything about a subject or not much of the time too! Most of the gifts given around the world are what the giver likes, rather than the recipient. Even for weddings, when there is a bridal gift registry or a money tree, I have heard excuses made that make me cringe and laugh… I don’t approve of bridal registries – I can’t afford anything on the list – I don’t give cash as a gift, ever – it should be something I want to give – and so on! You get the drift. I’ve received so many gifts I don’t like, don’t want or just can’t use, but I wonder, does that mean I have the right to say so. Should I simply be happy with the fact someone likes me enough to give me a gift, or would it be more honest to say, do you mind swapping it over for something else? I don’t know the answer to this, but it is something I have thought about a lot. I like to say to someone I have given a special gift to, e.g. for a wedding, if you don’t like it, I have the receipt so you can swap it for something you like. Very occasionally I get a very odd look, but then a big smile and a comment something like, Oh, that would be great, I’ve already got one of them, but more often no-one takes me up on it as they say they love or at least like it. I try really hard to buy gifts that I think the receiver will actually like, even if I don’t like it. Most often, it works, or at least so I am told. I hope so. For much of my life, I have not thought enough about whether or not I am being selfish, or whether my actions (or inactions) might hurt others in some way. It definitely seems one simple word, or the way something is said, can be just as hurtful as being kicked in the shins. Blogging has helped me understand this more clearly, as I have found I need to be far more thoughtful about what, and how I express publicly, as things can be taken in so many different ways. I had thought sharing my journey of dementia was worthwhile, but there have been people who see it as otherwise. Some have suggested it is selfish sharing my reaction to illness and the inner challenges that also affect my family; some have implied it is needy, that I might only be doing it for sympathy or to be noticed; others have applauded me as they have learnt more about the effects of dementia and my sharing has allowed them to more deeply understand someone they have loved, or still love who is going through it. This last group has sometimes told me that not being allowed into the world of dementia by their loved one has not only felt hurtful, but they have felt left out, and unable to be the carers they would have liked to be. Knowledge can be very empowering, and especially so when you are caring for someone who is sick or unwell in any way. My dear husband has told me he now loves reading my blogs, now that he has gotten used to being exposed, especially the ones about my dementia, as it helps him be a better partner. Some years ago when I was less willing to share my inner world, even amongst my closest friends, it was suggested to me that people could be better friends, and offer much better support, if they knew the reality of my world. That thought has stayed with me, and I think is probably quite accurate. On the topic of the selfish bubble, I hope and pray I am not too selfish, and that I come out of my selfish bubble enough to be there for others in a truly authentic way. Oh, and please feel free to let me know if I am not!
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Kate-you are everything but selfish. I personally applaud and congratulate you for sharing your thoughts and story and i always love following your blog and reading all your posts. I had a funny story last year about gifts and christmas last year. My Aunty had a big tantrum last year about my Grandma leaving her gift in the car!! She also had a tantrum about how she wanted me to buy her the right gift!! I personally think that saying to someone “i hate that gift” or throwing it away is selfish, especially when the person likes that particular object. I admire you greatly for speaking up and sharing your story.
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I think in order for one to be true to themselves and others, you must have a selfish streak where you can protect oneself, take time out to love oneself and enable you to be more giving. No one is without this trait and you my friend as the least selfish person I know, competetive yes, selfish no.
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Hi love, great blog. Brings to mind so many gifts from my mother for birthdays/Christmas handed to me with the words “you probably won’t like it”. Finally, at around age 40, I handed one back and asked why she was giving me something she did not think I would like? Why bother? Weird. Quite often I did like the pressie (just our opinion differed!)
I get a giggle out of the comments heard over the years like these- ” she’s a bitch, never married or had kids”, or “she’s selfish, never had kids”. Or my ABSOLUTE favorite “you wouldn’t know, you’ve never had kids” (oh a dollar please for every time I’ve heard this one, and ALWAYS by women, and ALWAYS women with badly behaved children!!!!)
Even fucking Kevin thinks it’s a sin to be childless!
Apparently it’s the ultimate in selfishness……….
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I love you just the way you are, oh and btw, how many of those women have had the stepchildren sometimes from hell??!! Love you xx
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Interesting, should I reply, or am I just indulging myself? Is this just an opportunity to get some attention?
Absolutely, an opportunity for some attention, but ‘just’ that, certainly not. We are all control freaks! We need to have a degree of influence and control over things that impact us. I don’t think it can be disassociated from our core needs, and they vary for us all. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Human Needs, a theory of the middle 20th century, tells us that while our lower order basic needs such as shelter, water food, safety, privacy are unmet we can’t seek to satisfy higher needs such as relationships, community, intellectual, spiritual stimulation, etc. It seems to me that as one rises up the hierarchy, the notion of control and selfishness alters, and so does the perception that others give that need. For example it doesn’t seem selfish to demand food and shelter when poor, but to demand intellectual exchange, opportunity and acknowledgement might be?
I think selfishness begins when we start to ‘expect’ more than just a need being ‘satisfied’, at any one of these levels of need. That grows into control freakishness, when we also try to control, more often to limit, how and what satisfiers others receive.
When studying at Uni, I remember the power of information being, not its retention, but its sharing, as that led to receiving more back than was given out. Is that selfishness, once one knows the process, but without that knowledge, it is ‘OK’? Likewise is caring for others also about what one gets back in return? At some level most probably. Is it ‘bad’? Does it matter?
Paul
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Thanks Paul, as always an interesting reflection. Blogging, replying to blogs, living in general all wonderfully selfish (perhaps?)! But so much fun!
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Kate, I have just joined. I wanted to let you know that I love your honesty and power of reflection. I am enjoying reading your blogs.
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Wonderful and welcome, it is great to have you aboard 🙂
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With age, I have had to face the fact that I am selfish, and everyone else is too. When I was younger, I thought I was so unselfish!!! I thought my mother was a saint, for all her unselfish acts. Now at age 66, I realize everyone acts out of self interest, and it makes me really sad. All that unselfish stuff I did was because it pleased me!!! Still, it is a better world if people find pleasure in doing things for others.
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