The effect of grief these last few weeks has been that my energy and paddling has not been able to keep up with finding the ideas to write or edit many my own blogs. My draft folder is full, but still I have not been able to complete many, and so I’ve ‘cheated’ on many days… ‘borrowing’ or reposting blogs, poems or YouTube clips that I felt still had value and meaning. Writing a poem works for me more often at the moment too, as I can get away with fewer words, and yet still post my own blog.
Grieving for the loss of loved ones brings added pressure to the symptoms of dementia, or in fact, any other aspect of your life, with or without dementia. During the moments that sadness or tears overwhelm you, it is very difficult to think about anything else, and I’ve had to practice my advice given over the years to others! I’ve been sitting in my garden a lot, even though it as been cold, and listening to music that is soothing, or reminds me of who has died. This last few weeks I’ve had an emptiness in my heart, and last weekend I felt very strange not visiting my friend Michael. I know he is in a better place considering how sick he had become, and I had acknowledged this with him whilst he was alive, and yet I miss him and wish he were still here.
Grief seems so selfish, and yet it needs to be. It is not selfish in a negative or indulgent way, it is our feelings of sadness centred on our self, the only way we can properly deal with the feelings of sadness and loss. The energy required to live with, and work through grief is high, and definitely affects the paddling needed to manage the symptoms of dementia. Many days I have not even bothered to try to hide them, just giving in to the grief I have felt. This is the right thing to do, and with another funeral on Wednesday, I realise there are still many days ahead of me like this.
One friend overseas reminded me how lucky I am to have my soul mate to grieve with me, to be by my side. The loneliness of being home alone to deal with grief can make it more difficult to deal with grief, it somehow the exacerbates sadness, yet time alone is often when we do our best grieving. But to have someone to hold onto and hug, when the going gets tough is truly a gift, especially if they just allow you to grieve in your own way. Grief is a journey through darkness, effecting every aspect of your living and functioning…
The darkest dark never put out the dimmest candle.