The effect of grief

grieving_manThe effect of grief these last few weeks has been that my energy and paddling has not been able to keep up with finding the ideas to write or edit many my own blogs. My draft folder is full, but still I have not been able to complete many, and so I’ve ‘cheated’ on many days… ‘borrowing’ or reposting blogs, poems or YouTube clips that I felt still had  value and meaning. Writing a poem works for me more often at the moment too, as I can get away with fewer words, and yet still post my own blog.

Grieving for the loss of loved ones brings added pressure to the symptoms of dementia, or in fact, any other aspect of your life, with or without dementia. During the moments that sadness or tears overwhelm you, it is very difficult to think about anything else, and I’ve had to practice my advice given over the years to others! I’ve been sitting in my garden a lot, even though it as been cold, and listening to music that is soothing, or reminds me of who has died. This last few weeks I’ve had an emptiness in my heart, and last weekend I felt very strange not visiting my friend Michael. I know he is in a better place considering how sick he had become, and I had acknowledged this with him whilst he was alive, and yet I miss him and wish he were still here.

Grief seems so selfish, and yet it needs to be. It is not selfish in a negative or indulgent way, it is our feelings of sadness centred on our self, the only way we can properly deal with the feelings of sadness and loss. The energy required to live with, and work through grief is high, and definitely affects the paddling needed to manage the symptoms of dementia. Many days I have not even bothered to try to hide them, just giving in to the grief I have felt. This is the right thing to do, and with another funeral on Wednesday, I realise there are still many days ahead of me like this.

One friend overseas reminded me how lucky I am to have my soul mate to grieve with me, to be by my side. The loneliness of being home alone to deal with grief can make it more difficult to deal with grief, it somehow the exacerbates sadness, yet time alone is often when we do our best grieving. But to have someone to hold onto and hug, when the going gets tough is truly a gift, especially if they just allow you to grieve in your own way. Grief is a journey through darkness, effecting every aspect of your living and functioning…

The darkest dark never put out the dimmest candle.

14 thoughts on “The effect of grief

  1. Grief is a raw emotion. If we love we will grieve. People expect us to move on – get on with our lives…. As if we are grieving for an object that can be replaced. You are also having to cope with the grief of your health and the losses you are having to cope with. Lots of hugs Kate.

  2. Grief is such a strange phenomenon for us, and yet it’s healthy and normal to grieve. I find it’s hardest for the people who are not grieving to know how to react to us and what to say (as people can probably relate to). What words can calm a grieving person’s heart? Has anyone said anything particularly comforting to you? I wrote about being there for your grieving friends on Psych Central a few months ago, just thought I would share the post here. I know you’re the one grieving presently…. but maybe it will be helpful regardless. We all encounter grieving people all our lives. http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/03/13/what-to-say-when-theres-nothing-to-say/

  3. Kate – you have another funeral on wednesday? You are grieving in a way that most people will never experience … you’re a tough woman to be able to write how you do when you’re feeling you you do. I hope you get some respite soon ……… big hugs …. xoxoxo

  4. Perhaps this is a raw and perfect time to look deeply into ego’s need to hold onto and control. The souls we grieve are free and beginning a new life yet again joyously, yet our ego’s grip makes us sit and mourn. It is our choice of course. We mull over the emptiness and what we have lost, our companionship lost, rather than celebrating our loved ones freedom to soar the universe once more. The better we understand death the less we will grieve.Whomever departs is never gone forever, they will see us again and we may even share another lifetime with them in different packaging. To grieve for a short while is honoring ourselves and is expected, grieving longer is honoring our ego. Michael would rather see the you with your fighting spirit still stirring up the hornets nest with a big stick and sending him your love and laughter from below. Regain peace my friend…Sending love and hugs your way….VK

  5. I think we do not take the time for ourselves to grieve as we want or should.. as ironic as this may sound ‘enjoy it’ celebrate the life of your friends, plant a tree or rose so each day it reminds you and you can talk to it. Say all the things you want to it and never get a harsh word back.. I have done this for all our animals and we can now almost sit under one of trees xx love to you, will head up next week & have a cuppa in your garden with you xxx

    • I too do this, and find grieving not so tragic, but necessary and yes, even a celebration of the love you felt for them, as well as about them. My Aunty and her grandchildren have an annual afternoon tea at the cemetery where my uncle, and her daughter are buried, with deck chairs, flasks of hot tea and the favourite cakes of Uncle Fred and Wendy! It is not sad, but a lovely way to reconnect with them. We all grieve in our own way… look forward to seeing you whenever you have the time xox

  6. My heart aches for you Kate dear for the unutterable loneliness that comes with the death of someone or something we’ve cherished. Your mourning is sacred & vital in honouring their life & making room in time for your heart to heal. xx

  7. hello dear one, my heart goes out to, I would have loved to have been there just sitting in the garden with you holding your hand to give you moral support, but in your heart and on your shoulders i am there with you. BUB is there with you and our thoughts are with you both as always, take care dear kate, to the moon
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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