I feel privileged to have been invited to attend two workshops on Monday that are part of a very innovative nursing home’s Better Practice Project. It was also my excuse for being too tired to contribute to my daily blog!! In one session, we discussed at length what it is that makes people feel valued. It was agreed at this session that people who feel valued usually have things that include status, work, money, possessions, experience and skills, family, wisdom, ‘capacity’, independence, success of some kind (employment, personal, sporting, etc), who own their own homes, and who are seen to have something relevant to contribute to society.

We are often not valued, especially in the in-home (dementia or aged care) and the residential care settings, because the things we still have – but that cannot be seen – are invisible.  Being valued depends so much on perceived status, success and contribution. People who need support, who look different, who look sick or old, who are less literate, or who are homeless or unemployed are also often not valued.

In the afternoon we were shown a picture of an old man. He was quite well dressed with clean shoes, but old-looking with long white hair, and sitting in a chair holding his head down with his hands through his hair, making it look messed up. We were asked to guess at what he was doing, where he might be living, and so on – in essence, to make a value judgement based on this picture. Suggestions included he was living in a nursing home; he was distressed, upset, frail, retired… in fact, this man was pictured living in his own home, was a Professor and was still employed as an academic. Obviously if we had known this, we would never have judged him the way we did! Our initial – and very WRONG – judgement of him would have impacted the way we spoke to him, the way we looked at him, the way we treated him, and even the tone of our voice. It is not what we say to people that is remembered, but the way we say it, and our reaction to his picture clearly indicated how easy it is to make incorrect value judgements.

I try not to make value judgements, especially about people. Getting to know The Big Issue vendors has helped me with this. Having acquired disabilities from illness and dementia has helped me with this. Losing David to suicide has helped with this. Domestic violence and divorce has helped with this. And so life’s experiences contribute in ways that don’t always seem positive, but help frame who we are, help give us the resolve to be better people. It is our choice of course… negative responses to negative experiences hide behind every door, taunting us to give in to them. I find using them to help me value everyone I meet is a worthwhile aspiration. Attending the workshops on Monday reminded me just how difficult this is to do!