So who’s counting… if I was 5, it would seem an absolute eon, but at 53, it seems not very far away. Of course one day in the life of a five year old is a long time compared with me! I’ve started thinking about what to do on the day, who to spend it with, whether or not to send Christmas cards this year, whether my children will be with us; if we go away, who will look after the cats, what and who to give gifts to, and many other questions about the day and that so-called special time of year. It seems this time of year is fraught with circumspect and anxiety as so many families are fractured in some way. In my own case, I was brave (or stupid?) enough to speak out to two siblings some years ago about some behaviour of theirs that I felt was unfair and extremely hurtful to me. I feel I have paid an enormous price for my honesty as they have basically discontinued contact with me except when they are forced to be polite at shared family events they can’t get out of. No amount of birthday or Christmas cards has managed to heal the rift, and so it seems, the rest of my family also pays the price as sharing special times together is no longer possible. Another
sibling is challenging to have contact with as her philosophies of life and honesty don’t match mine, so I choose not to spend much time with her. The people it most hurts are our parents, who have to negotiate their way through the maze of old hurts and angers, the continuing half-truths and myths, and the fact most of their children don’t get along. I question my own motives for speaking out. Was it my expectations were unrealistic and unfair? Was I feeling hurt and hard done by, but not taking responsibility for my own feelings? Did I have the right to speak out about it? I wonder, will I pay another price for speaking out about it here? If I do, I will deal with it, and, it will seem minuscule in the
scheme of the other events in my life! My experience and knowledge of friends from many other cultures is that they speak out all the time, often yelling and screaming at each other, voicing their feelings and hurts, and by the time the next dinner is about to start, which they have all usually cooked together, they have hugged each other, cried, kissed and made up. I have learnt much from these dear friends, but I decided a long time ago to spend time with the people who treat me well, who return my loyalty, openness, friendship and love with honesty and returned love and friendship. It was a journey that took much time for the hurt to dissolve, more time for the understanding to take place, and a great deal of time on self-reflection. It was worth it though, as I have the privilege of spending great and loving times, stress free, with so many other wonderful and amazing people. My husband says he believes that once there are children in a relationship, the only family that truly matter are our children and parents, so all of my worries can be washed away. I’m not sure about this notion, and for me, the jury on this is still out. Christmas, and the other special family times we want to share with family,especially as we get older, continue to prod my mind with further thinking. ps. to say I am nervous as I head for the Publish button is quite the understatement…
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I always count down for christmas, especially in December/November. I also love the pre christmas events, the christmas parties, chirstmas eve, christmas day, catching up with friends in december. When/if i see my friends in December-i always call it a “christmas catch up”, because it is in the month of the “silly season”, where everyone is sociable like me. You are right-christmas does seem quicker-probably because i am in excitement or life just goes by quicker. I normally only do christmas cards to family, however, if a friend sent me one, i would does one back and initiate in the following years to come. Families sure are complicated, especially when it comes to illness-your life changes dramatically when illness hits of who you trusted before/don’t trust now. I think that was good of you speaking out to your sisters, Kate, about how you feel-i agree-there is no point to have them in your life if they are going to disrespect you-i no longer trust one family member who selfishly organised a “seperate” christmas get together last year in a different town-i found it very disrespectful, rude, and selfish, because i thought christmas is a time of inclusiveness not a time of ostricism from people who are sick with a terminal disease-perhaps that family member has it the wrong way round!? Although, i enjoyed cataching up with my second cousins at that family event and i really enjoy there company-i still didn’t overly enjoy the event due to Grandad being excluded from that event. Strangely, that family members support to that family who have been sick but are now in heavens support was wonderful to them, so i thought that family member would feel the same for us-perhaps that family members priority is friends over family!? I find it incredibly rude because before my Grandad’s Alzhiermers, he and my Grandma invited that family member for christmas at there house, so i thought that family member would do the same and understand why we want to spend it with him. I do have to take some responsibility for not telling that family member how i feel and that i didn’t want to go-i should have told her earlier in hindsight-my mistake. Although, on a positive note, my regrets from that christmas event has decreased as i have spent lots of quality time with my Grandad recently, and have been able to put him first…finally. I used to have a great relationship with that family member prior to his illness, and since his illness my relationship with that family member has declined significantly-we used to have lots of wonderful times together prior to his illness but not now unfortunately-just life. There is no point having people who are not like-minded in your life, Kate-i like having like-minded friends in family in my life-outside of the family functions where it is compulsory. It is very difficult for your parents having children who don’t get along-very very sad. I always love spending time with people who treat me well and have fun with-my friends, my Mum, Dad, my Sister, my Poppa, my Grandad, my Aunties and Uncles, Great Aunties, various cousins, elderly people, and my Godmother, and of course Godfathers although i don’t see much of them, but we still get along well. All of those friends and family are wonderful(who i have listed above)and i always enjoy there company and have fun with them. When my Grandad dies, i am going to write cards and shout his friends and all the people who have supported him out to dinner, lunch, a movie, or anything they want to do, so i can say my thanks and my appreciation to them for there support to Grandad during his battle with Alzhiermers and to show how grateful i am that they were a part of his life.
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I’ve not reallly enjoyed Christmas, Sam, but my husband and sons have taught me to!!!
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