Today started out with me feeling fragile, fragile, fragile (see my Facebook page). It’s not that I don’t feel like that now, but I laughed so hard for the 45 minutes before my carer left tonight I have almost forgotten why I felt fragile!! My lovely carer Jodi was here today, and as usual we have to bring out the swear jar for me, the pathetically weak tea for us both, and, a dark sense of humour almost no-one else would cope with, not even most others with dementia! I was at a professional forum this morning where it was suggested it is inappropriate and unhelpful to become friends with your carer, or vice versa. I disagreed at the time, but suspect I was not so eloquent in getting my message across, and more importantly, why. My carer needs to be someone I would also want to have as my friend, otherwise, why would I feel comfortable to have her (or him) in my home, my most private of personal spaces? Why would I not want to be able to laugh and cry, share my innermost secrets, hurts, and joys with someone I have – or would – become friends with. I suspect it is just not possible to open your soul at that level without some form of honest and open friendship. Yes, I understand the professional boundaries, the restraints that need to be in place so that carers, and carees, don’t take advantage of each other, but having a carer who is your friend is not only important, it is almost essential. When it becomes necessary, will I want a stranger or a friend to take my clothes off, see my bare body and shower me? Will I want to share my deepest fears and hurts with a stranger (or new carer), or a friend? Will it be important to have someone in my home I feel so comfortable with, so that it won’t matter what I say or how I behave? A stranger (new carer) may freak out at the way I express myself; whereas a carer, who is also a friend, will not only be able to accept me and my ways immediately, but perhaps even understand me. They won’t try to curb the essence of who I am, but rather, accept me for who I am, and importantly, how I might be behaving. The risk of us getting too close is worth it, at least for me, and I think my regular Friday carer would agree. A real relationship, with the integrity and depth that goes with this type of friendship, is far more important than the bureaucratic rules of an organisation. I am a human being. My carer is a human being. Surely we should be allowed to relate to each in ways that are authentic and honest, with love, and from the depths of our hearts and souls, without fearing we are getting too close to each other? Perhaps I will be too fragile for what lies ahead, but without friends, I am nothing. No amount of Vipassana will fill the holes and cracks!
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i had a friendship with my carer for a year and half we had such a laugh which really helps when your ill there was 10 years differance in age and i wanted nothing but a friend from it , but just latley she has changed and backed right off , and its like talking to a stranger , uselly they change carers around so you dont get close but this hasnt happened yet , i know what you mean a friend you trust and it makes the personal care so much easyer , but i dont think i will consoll in them agian as i think a friend is for life .john
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John, welcome and thank you for joining the conversation. As you say, it can be perilous becoming friends with a carer, but I have found that to be the same in life, and just as painful. Perhaps even more so as if a ‘friendship’ ends or becomes less special, there is so much more you feel you have lost. The difference with a carer might be that you share at such a different and deeply personal level?? Definitely something to think about.
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hi kate i didnt get what you ment at the end , i had to start care or they wernt going to let me out of hospital so agreed on a care plan , at first i had many different carers , then got this one as a regarlar one , when your ill you dont see your mates as often as i used to , family are there for you but its nice to have a friendship to someone you see regarlar too , this is why i was happy to form this friendship with my carer when she started to come regarlar . ive been in hospital a number of times since and she would make a visit and text how i am these things mean so much and personal care is one thing i treded as not had it before now , but when its a friend doing it its so much better your relaxed and at ease , i dont know if your in the uk but here they dont like you to get to close to your carer , i wont get close agian as to me its not a lasting friendship and hurts when it goes , my mum was a carer for 22 years and i spoke to her about it and she told me some storys of her time careing and said shouldnt get to close just talk and be friendly but not to chatty
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Hi again John, I am in Australia, and the issue of carers being ‘friends’ is a very hot topic in this country too! Most service providers warn staff against the pitfalls of becoming friends with their clients, but I have a problem with that as feel it is almost impossible to provide true person centred care without friendship at some level.I have no answers for this, just ideas and feelings about how it works best for me. If you don’t want to allow deeper friendship into the carer/client relationship, then I think you would need to actively seek the support of a very close friend or two to share the burden of illness with, becasue as you say, you don’t actually see friends as often when you are sick, especially after the first few days or weeks after diagnosis. Take care, and work on what is best for you say!
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Dear Kate,
I guess it lies in the definition of “friend”.
Joanna needed a natural affinity towards her carers, otherwise she would become very obstinate and agressive. Several carers could not survive the session, yet others just breezed through. I could almost pick what was going to happen when a new carer arrived.
You are fortunate to have the one carer, and one you can laugh and empathise with.
Jeff
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You are anything but fragile dear one! I truly believe if one steps outside the box we lable nornal and acceptable, we will discover the truth of friendship. Those ideas expressed at the Professional Forum are based on what Government has brainwashed us to believe out of their need to divide the people, much like race and religion, so they can conquer. Go for it! If you are enjoying it and it gives meaning to your life then that is yours to have. Happy day of Thanks…. Visionkeeper
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