Unfortunately real memory loss caused by something like dementia is not selective, and is not simple age related forgetfulness. It is a damned shame we can’t pick and choose which memories we lose; my husband would like me to forget the things he does that annoy me(of course, I occasionally let him know about them!!). Someone from New Zealand wrote to me on my blog contact form recently, and said I am inspired by your blog and your being able to verbalise ‘how it is for you’. There are moments in some of my days I wish I couldn’t verbalise how it is, and in fact wish many times I could not remember what is happening at all. Of course, they are in between the moments of striving to accommodate and overcome the disabling symptoms of dementia. Life and living goes on. Yesterday I watched a late afternoon Law and Order episode on Foxtel, one I don’t remember having seen before (doh!). Well, for a wonderful change my husband agreed it was one we had not seen previously. What an emotional relief it was to truly watch something for the first time. Half way through, the scenes moved from crime to mental illness, and inadvertently unlocked a whole bucket load of sad memories, ones that I now also wish I could not remember. For a period in my life, I lived alongside someone with mental illness; they refused to either recognise or accept it, and therefore they did not receive proper treatment. Being unwilling to see the truth about things, especially yourself, is not something you should ignore; it does not only affect you. It affects those around you, and often in ways that are so hurtful the burden becomes too great to bear. I thought I had remembered everything about this time in my life, but this sense of burden must be why I had suppressed those particular memories for so long. It is the type of burden that lies low, hides behind the walls of silence (yes, the same silence people with dementia feel) and eats away at your soul. Being happy or sad is not always an option in life as things get thrown at you that are out of your control. How you deal with them though, is a choice, and I think choosing not to deal with mental illness is the worst choice a person can make, especially for the people they love. It becomes the onlooker’s burden and pain, and if you try to help, it slaps you in the face. Being disabled by dementia takes a lot of effort, and yesterday this effort was thwarted when my emotions got in the way after watching this show. After releasing at least 5 gallons of pus that had been hidden inside my heart for almost forever, I felt exhausted. It was too much effort to go out. Too much effort to prepare dinner, and if food had already been prepared I would have been too tired to eat. I felt drained and although the tears dried up, I felt like a riverbed in drought, with deep cracks and fragile top soil. When I got out of bed this morning, I could still felt the after effects. These kinds of memories and the experience you have afterwards can even stop you from dreaming, especially if it happens too often. Everyone has moments like these, and occasionally we need to hold onto others to get through them, or look beyond ourselves in some way. Today I read a young friend’s blog titled Dream a little dream (http://postabdication.blogspot.com/2012/01/dream-little-dream.html). It is lovely, and has reminded me to breathe easier again and to think beyond my pain. She also wanted to be the first female Australian Prime Minister, so we might not have achieved that, but, it was awesome to have had a common goal! We dreamed a dream, at different times, and yet they have brought us together. This blog changed my heart today, and I want to publicly thank my friend Eliza, and urge you all to have a read of her blog. Another lesson for me today is that memory loss does go together with dreaming, as it doesn’t seem possible to survive it without love, mixed in with some dreams and shared hope.