Over twenty years ago I attended a motivational conference in Melbourne, and the keynote speakers were Skip and Susan Ross. Skip Ross is the owner, founder, and director of Circle A Ranch, and he and his wife Susan have dedicated their lives to making a difference through this ministry. They are Crown IBO’s with Amway, and have most recently been working with the Equip Organization, founded by John Maxwell, to produce highly effective Christian leaders around the world. When I heard them speak, they were not talking about their Christian faith, or their Amway business, but about motivation and general principles for positive daily living.

Whilst they were fabulous speakers and brought the crown of over 6000 people to a standing ovation, I can’t remember their specific messages. What I do remember is this ‘task’ to improve relationships, and I have wondered lately if it could be applied to carers of people with dementia. Skip asked all of the married couples in the audience to stand up. He then gave us this rather demanding challenge.

The 90 Day Challenge

We were not allowed to have any negative thoughts about or comments to each other for 90 days. And if a negative thought or comment ‘accidentally’ came out of our mouth, or into our mind, we had to start at Day 1 again!  All the singles in the audience laughed! But then Skip asked the couples to sit down, and the singles to stand up, and asked them to think of the person they got on with the least well, and to take on this challenge with them!!

Many of my friends and I tried this, and after about two weeks found ourselves laughing every time a disagreement was rearing its ugly head, or a negative thought was trying to sneak  out. It allowed us to put things in proper perspective, and most of the time a negative thought or comment can be averted, as with retrospection, it is usually difficult to even remember what or why you were being negative or what you were having an argument about.

What I see or read about when someone is caring for a loved one with dementia, the negative changes constantly seem to slap them in the face and it is hard for them to remain positive and not see negatives. Carers easily become overwhelmed by the changes in the person they love, and dislike these changes brought on by the symptoms of dementia, often forgetting to see the person they love before the symptom.

The 90 Day Challenge allows us to ‘live’ like this: ‘This is my way, what’s your way – there is no right way’. A person with dementia cannot stop the changes brought on by the disease, and having dementia is not their fault, in the same way as being diagnosed with diabetes or cancer, or losing their legs in a car accident. Therefore, this becomes their new way of living now. They must adjust their lives as best they can, even if they cannot see or admit they have dementia. Deep inside their hearts they will probably know they are changing, and I guarantee they won’t be happy about it.

Carers must accommodate these changes, and the only way to do this is to change their own behaviour. I have always found the best way forward is to work on staying positive, and the 90 Day Challenge is a technique I have used frequently to get myself back on track. I dare all of the wonderful carers out there to take on the 90 Day Challenge and block out all negative thoughts about the person they love with dementia, or the symptoms of dementia… Please let me know if it changes your relationships with the PWD, and if it reduces your own stress levels.