There is no better way to understand the needs of someone with dementia, than to ask them.

Even if they are in the later stages of the disease, if you learn how to ask, and learn how to listen, and more importantly, take the time to listen, you will find out what they want or don’t want. When I first worked in dementia care in 1977, I looked after a lady I shall call Nelly, who refused to speak to anyone. Her background had been as an accountant, and a professional golfer, rather unusual for a woman living in those times. The other staff generally ignored her emotional needs, and labeled her mute.

I however found her intriguing, and continued to try to communicate with her, talking to her about golf and accountants. I was young and very naive, but felt I should at least try. I mentioned once to her I thought most accountants must surely be boring, a common thought amongst non-accountants, which at least made her grin! Having a one way conversation is quite challenging, but seemed more respectful than complete silence. One day in the toilet, I asked her to please have a wee, as we’d been in there for quite some time. She looked me in the eye, and with a grin from ear to ear, replied, ‘Have a wee for yourself!!‘ From that moment on, she communicated with me verbally, but only when we were on our own.

When I asked Nelly why she refused to talk to the other staff, she said she thought they were ignorant and patronising, and she simply couldn’t be bothered wasting her time. And, she said, they were mostly only interested in getting her showered, toileted, dressed and fed. Task based needs accomplished, person centred needs ignored. This was 1977, but sadly, in many aged care residential facilities today, this is still happening. People living in these places quickly become so institutionalised, many almost forget who they once were, and what they once liked to do.

I’ve had many elderly say to me when I’ve been visiting friends or volunteering in aged care, ‘Why rock the boat? There is not enough staff, and they are not interested in me as an individual anyway.’ There are rules, and regulations, and time frames set by others, and they have to be adhered to. Living in a residential setting dis-empowers people; they are treated like children, and sit around waiting… and waiting, and waiting. But for what and for whom, other than the things others decide are good for them. Their physical needs are being met, but in many cases, little else.

There is no better way to understand the needs of someone with dementia, than to ask them.