For the times I want to indulge myself with some R&R, I spend time trawling other blogs, many that I subscribe to. I often read something called the Oracle Report provided on a link from One World Rising, and one phrase today stood out like the proverbial dogs balls!!! It has given life to a draft I had started in January on how it feels to lose control…
‘Don’t try to control anything right now.’
Since the age of 16 1/2 when I left home, I’ve been in control of most things in my life, that is of course, until the diagnosis of dementia. Losing control is challenging, and letting go of it is even more so.
For most of us, our daily life has filled up with dozens of things we have to control each day, from managing simple things like electrical appliances, the remote control (if we are the ones who snag it!!), to more complicated things like using a computer and driving cars. The DVD player at home is almost defunct now, and although I can no longer work out how to use it anyway, my 5-year-old great nephew knows how to in a snap! Similarly, what is simple to my generation can be complicated for our parents, and so on.
For reasons I am sure you will comprehend, it is difficult to have to give up things like driving, especially at a younger age. It is no longer possible to use a calculator, even though I can still work out how to use the computer. The problem with the calculator is I have difficulty working out how do do things like percentages, as cannot remember how to work them out even with a calculator. A glitch in my brain has made even simple maths too complicated now! And yet strangely, turning on the computer and typing is still ok.
Thankfully my trusty pc self corrects most word spelling mistakes, and highlights when grammar and other errors are made. Sometimes it takes me ages to work out how to correct things, and I’m now also employing someone to assist with my more complicated editing and referencing. I can no longer use the online referencing system.
Letting go of control has a profound emotional effect on us. For a while now, I have been working on some presentations for ADI in Taipei next week, and have had great difficulty focusing on them. In fact, I’ve decided I cannot do one at all, and have withdrawn. Initially the feeling of failure was profound, with tears and even some guilt for having let myself down.
It seems, I have to adapt to my new and evolving limitations. I have no choice. I have lost control. It is better to accept these facts than rail against them for too long, and so with a smile, and thanks, I won’t try to control anything right now!