My blog today was meant to be a more light-hearted and happy one, but there has been a new development on my road of grief. This morning at 6.50am I received a text message to say another friend had died, a nursing friend from the 1980’s. She had only been diagnosed a few weeks ago, and although I have not had the ability to visit her before she died, have shared tears over her death this morning, and I will attend her funeral next week to celebrate her life. We had stayed friends over the years, not close but always in each other’s hearts. Her son even taught my youngest son to swim. Anne was one of those people who just touched your life, and I know she will be missed by many.

It does seem I have been overloaded with helping sick and elderly friends more than usual the last few months. Someone said to me yesterday, after many shared tears she had no idea how I did it, how I could keep on helping others. Three high care beds, in as many weeks, two friends have now moved in, one to move just after Christmas. Yesterday, I visited each one of them, sharing their stories and sadness at having to live away from their own homes. One of these friends has already moved into palliative care, so I just held his hand and tried to honour and support him as he struggles to stay alive. It is tough to keep going, and often heart breaking supporting others in their grief.

The comments offered about me doing too much, giving of myself too much too often have had me thinking most of the night. Withholding my love and support is not really an option, as it is part of who I am, but her comments have made me think about why I choose to help others, why it is so easy for me to keep going. I think it is because I have travelled this road so many times before, and perhaps the path is now too familiar, so much so that it is a case of me just slipping back into it? I’m not sure, but it is making me really reflect about myself, and my (?subconscious) motives.

Is my ability to be empathetic, because I have suffered? I have been through a number of major life crises, including divorce, losing someone I love to suicide, losing numerous others I have loved, supported friends through their grief, nursed my mother in law the last few weeks of her death, been through heart wrenching challenges with relationships, been divorced and survived domestic violence. I have had cancer, brain surgery, and numerous other reasonably serious illnesses before getting dementia. Is this suffering mine to share through empathy, or is it more of a burden to others? Or is it wrong if I don’t offer support, because the depth of my own understanding that this suffering offers. Questions, questions, questions… so many of them right now! Do I continue to want to support others because of my family history of grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles always helping those in their communities, me tagging along behind them as a little kid? Do I just prefer to help others rather than take time out for myself? Am I ignoring my own needs? Does any of this really matter? My goodness, there are so many things to think about!

For now, as I shed tears over this latest death of a friend, and think about the road ahead, I still feel excited by life, still want to help and be there for others, will still maintain my own regime of self-care (meditation, prayer, healthy lifestyle, maintaining friendships, loving and living life to the full), but I realise there are some things I don’t want to change too much about myself anymore, I have accepted who I am and am comfortable in my own skin. Therefore I will continue to reach out and support and care for others. I will accept the tears and occasional burden that comes with doing this, but feel compelled by a greater force to be there for others. My life is great, my close family and friends are truly amazing and always there for me, I live in a wonderful city in a beautiful home with the most amazing husband and kids, and I feel truly blessed to be alive. This road of grief will continue on into the lives of everyone no matter how we might not want it to, and we can experience the load together ensuring the burden does not get too much for any one person to carry.

The following is part of an amazingly loving and supportive email my husband sent to me last week… Subject: A note from the heart. To my dear wife, You are the only person I know who gives of herself without some form of hidden agenda. You are thoughtful and caring. You are involved in life and supporting others more than anybody has the right to ask, but I know you wouldn’t have it any other way. I hope things are not too hard on you this morning as I know how close to the bone all of this is cutting. Your absolute number one fan. Love you forever and a bit. Peter. Why would I not want to continue to share the burdens and wounds of others, especially with that amount of love and support behind me? Our love, and his understanding and encouragement make it easy to bear.