Give our children enough money to do something, but not enough to do nothing…
I read this line somewhere recently, but forgot to write down who said it, so if the author sees it here, I apologise for quoting it without permission, and please let me know who you are so I can reference it to you. It is a wonderfully profound quote, and has me wondering once again about my own parenting, and if we have given our children too little, too much, or just enough. I’ve talked here about the possibility of helping our children into housing, which brought on all sorts of excited responses to my blog, and so this blog may do that again! A couple of years ago I decided I wanted to give my children early inheritance bonuses, rather than wait until I am completely demented or dead. This was met with some resistance from my dear husband at the time, but eventually he came to understand it was going to happen with or without his blessing. I gave one son a ‘bonus’ towards his travels, and the other the same amount of ‘bonus’ to help him with some major expenses. Last year was (for them) a drought, but this year I have decided to give them some of their inheritance again, a lesser amount than last time, but something to help them with a major expense or towards some travel. I have asked myself many times, is this spoiling them, or giving them too much, or turning them into weak individuals? Some will say it is, but I hope they are wrong. As young adults, my kids are starting to pay their way, even though we may assist by way of allowing them to live at home if they still want or need to. They are employed, and pay for their own cars and clothes and all other expenses. Based on my own history, they are late starters as far as having real estate or being 100% independent and living away from home, but that doesn’t mean they are not autonomously getting on with their own lives. We all take our own time to make our way, find our way, find a partner, be happy in our careers, or whatever it is we decide we want to do. I have had multiple careers, and loved them all, and even now find myself taking off in another direction with what has almost turned into a new career, albeit it unpaid. When the kids were little I implemented ways for them to start learning how to fund their lives, for example, I set up an annual budget for things like birthday gifts for their friends, clothes (casual) and so on, then gave them an ‘allowance’ and let them work it out, initially with some help. If they blew it all on some latest brand name jumper or pair of jeans, then their friends missed out on gifts for the whole year, a choice I allowed them to make, and to accept the consequences for. Bryan Brown (an Australian actor) has been quoted as saying he and his wife flew first or business class and their children flew economy whenever they went on holidays (obviously once the children were responsible enough to sit without their parents), because, he said, they had not earned the right to fly above cattle class. We quite like that philosophy too, and to some degree adopted that attitude. But if we go somewhere for a family holiday, we fly together at the same class (economy!). We treat ourselves to a few special meals out per year, for birthdays, mothers and fathers days, etc. We pay for these meals, as see no reason not to, and don’t feel like it is spoiling them too much; now they pay their own way for their daily lives, we know they live on tight budgets, and love to be able to give them treats. More often than not though, we choose to cook together and eat at home, as that is more fun than eating out, and usually far better food!! Once their schooling is over, then living away from home and/or travelling is the best ingredient for our kids to become independent and get on with their own lives, but if we can give them the occasional helping hand or special treat, then why not. Have we spoilt them? Probably some of the time, but I don’t think too much.
PS by presents i mean christmas presents-i love christmas shopping-my only type of shopping i like.
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This is a very interesting topic, Kate. One expense i pay completely for in my house is presents for my family.
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That’s lovely xx
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It really depends on how it is given and received, isn’t it? A giver who gives willingly and lovingly is different from a giver who expects something in return. Similarly, a recipient who accepts with gratitude and appreciation is so different from a kid who thinks he is receiving his rightful inheritance anyway.
Good parenting is striking that balance between loving the kids, but not letting them get away with the wrong attitudes. I am sure you and husband are doing very well advising each other in this respect 🙂
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Hello, could it be your dementia has allowed you to become wiser than you already obviously were? There is no, to my belief, one size fits all set of money rules for all families. We do what works for us-all, and this seems to be working for you all. Spoiling kids is not good, but loving them is. And as long as they understand that financial suport is much more a function of the availability of family money than it is a measure of how much they are loved you are as my son would say “good to go.”
You constantly amaze me how wise you reveal yourself to be through this blog. Not because you have dementia and I have lower expectation. You are clearly head and shoulds in wisdom and insight above most everyone, all those with and without the symptoms of dementia.
Richard
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Hello Richard, I think I am not wiser now than before dementia, but dementia has given me a clarity of expression I am now more willing to express. Thank you for your wonderful friendship and support, and I’m glad to be ‘good to go’ as your son would say! Kate 🙂
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I felt lucky that dear daughter was at home till she purchased her own home and moved in. I wanted her to have a head start one that I never had. She saved and saved and saved so she could afford it. As she grows older I pay her house and car insurance as her birthday present and I do this because I can and want to. Not because she has asked. There is no such thing as too much love, and I don’t think spoiling them with love is a problem
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Firstly my relationship with my wife is based on love, love is the glue that keeps us together. Yes we respect each other but in my experience liking or respecting someone isn’t enough to keep you together. I have had respect for people that I really didn’t like and liked some people that I really didn’t respect. My darling wife doesn’t give it away all the time, just an occasional ‘help’, and with my consent, not that it is needed. ps. where’s my bonus???!!! xx
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Hopefully the cycle of giving, just keeps all the good karma going. Then, when your children have children, they will want to give all they can, and then they will teach their children to give when they can. It all comes back around one way or another. It’s always the way, generous people who give, always seem to receive as well.
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The circle of life and cycle of giving is perfect, and no matter what we have, I would want to share it with my children and the wider community; at times I have not had any spare money to share around and so have given my time more at those times.There have been times when I have not been in a financial position to afford treats for myself and barely the rent, so to be able to for my kids at this time in my life is just such a privilege. Takes away some of the pain of the possibility that having dementia could mean I won’t be there for them later on.
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Pointless commenting, if even the opinion of your ‘Dear Husband’ is ignored. Doesn’t sound a like a relationship based on mutual respect.
Paul
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Oh Paul, I so love the fact that you did though! Your comment has given my dear husband a mild giggle this morning as our relationship is quite the opposite, just occasionally one of has to work harder to convince the other on some things! Cheers, Kate
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I love reading your blog, Kate, I really really do. Reading it is a bit like visiting you at your beautiful home in Adelaide. It is your past and present but it blasts me back to a chunk of my past in a way that sometimes feels a bit uncomfortable, depending on what memory my brain throws at me in response to what you write. I think you should share this “inheritance bonus” idea with Patsy, I like the idea a lot! Lots of love xxx
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We’ll call in for a ‘grandparenting’ chat with Patsy when we get back!!! xxxx
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You have so much love for you kids, it’s wonderful to see. But this is a very middle class question to be asking, and the quote only profound for those who have enough money to be in a position to have some left over to give! Love and blessings xx
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Middle class we must be then, but we have worked our arses off to have what we have, both having started out with NOTHING more than basic high school education. And my motto is to share what we have within reason, not just with our kids. The love we have is shared even more.
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