Many times a day I walk around in circles at home, wondering what I had been doing, or what I was going to do. It is not quite confusion, but more like a vagueness caused by forgetfulness. My brain used to be so sharp. I used to have about 12 television screens going on at once, and completely able to whizz in and out of each screen, sometimes simultaneously. I never needed to use a diary, not even when I held down three jobs at the same time. I didn’t need a calculator, I rarely used a phone book, my memory for faces and names was spectacular, my typing speed and accuracy was impeccable, my spelling and grammar even better, I could add up faster than the checkout machine. My kids could ask me where things were, or what they were meant to be doing at any given day or time and I could instantly tell them, without having to think. So much of my life was automatic, not just the simple things, but everything, and so much happened without me having to work hard to achieve it.
In grade 5 at school, I won the neatest handwriting competition, and now I have trouble hand writing at all. For most years, my spelling tests were perfect scores. I studied at the highest level of maths, physics, chemistry and english, and did well at school. When in class, if I concentrated and took notes, I rarely had to re-study it. I was 6th in the state in my nursing exams. Now I have trouble remembering the last sentence or paragraph in a book. So when people tell me, ‘oh, you’re just like me, I forget things too’, it annoys me, and I find it condescending. Maybe I am just like them now, but cor blimey, what the hell happened to my old brain?! It is frustrating beyond words not being able to remember my credit card numbers. I used to know each and every credit card, medicare card, health card membership, any other card or membership number without having to look at it. And the expiry dates and CSV numbers. Not just my own, but the whole family.
There is a deep sadness about these losses, even though they may not seem significant to others. I was one of the lucky kids and did not have dyslexia or any other learning difficulty. My only challenge was laziness or complacency as I got older! I used to lament I did not go to university as a young person, but having started uni aged 45, I am now very glad my life’s path was to attend it later. But trying to complete a degree now seems like the most impossible mountain I have ever climbed, and I keep slipping down and stumbling, losing my way. The ability to focus I had, even 3 months ago has faded. The paddling is getting harder, and my wings are flapping more above the surface. This blog is not about how bright I was, not meant to be an ego trip, but a recollection of what was, and what I have lost. And in some way, I hope it helps others understand more fully what it is really like to live with the symptoms of dementia. Oh, and I really miss my memory.
Me and you are opposites in terms of what we could/can remember, Kate. Unlike you, my handwriting is terrible, however, i love touch typing and am very good at touch typing and fast too-a bonus in this world, as writing is almost irrevelant nowdays, hey. I don’t have a diary, but occasionally, i do record notes on my phone, and occasionally(as we all do)forget a few things. I am quite a good speller, but i do use the phone book though-i struggle to remember people’s phone numbers-don’t even though my sisters or grandparents phone number and only know my parents vaguely, however, i am always very good at remembering people’s birthday-i can remember most of my friends and families birthday. I am pretty good at recognizing faces, although i do get rather perplexed sometimes, if i haven’t seen someone in ages. It is very hard forgetting things, Kate. What a talented student you were! I don’t have a credit card yet, but i would struggle to remember my credit card number too-it’s complicated! Going to uni at any age counts!
LikeLike
We all have unique talents Sam… you are still finding yours. And then as we age or change, we have to find new ones! X
LikeLike
Agreed!
LikeLike
Keep posting Kate. Your blogs are so very real and informative. And, as i’m sure you do, appreciate the wonderful country you live in. We had SUCH a good time in Australia. It feels a bit like a fairy tale now… and a different one here as the snow steadily falls… 🙂
LikeLike
I’m so sorry you’re going through this mourning period Kate…… I have found that the sadness never goes away … it just gets smaller with time.
Years ago after my memory loss I went through a ‘mourning period” …. mourning all the memories I’ve LOST as well as my inability to make new memories. One particularly sad thing is that I’ve forgotten all my loved ones …. very sad indeed not to remember the grandmother that loved you so much 😦
LikeLike
These changes for you must be very hard to accept. I too have been annoyed by comments from people in relation to dementia. A good friend of mine, who knows you are a friend of mine asked about you the other day (not that she knows you personally). We began to discuss dementia (your blog being one of my main sources of information!!) and she made comment that she forgets things too. It made me angry as so many people believe that dementia is like normal forgetfulness! It’s not, and the sooner people realise how hard and scary it is for those ‘in it’ the better!
LikeLike
I love your enthusiastic support Fabs! And you too. I was presenting today and then ‘workshoping’ with a group of wonderful people working in aged and dementia care, and many of them said to me something like ‘I’m like that’, or other similar comments. I started to think deeply about it, and suspect it is not so much ignorance, as the other persn/people trying to make me feel better about having dementia. Just another way to think about it…
LikeLike
Sometimes I fine this blogs a bit close to the bone. I love you and always will. Must be frustrating that your back up brain could never remember any of our account or credit card numbers. BUB.
LikeLike
Oh, goodness. Hang in there. . . keep flapping. And thank you SO much for sharing your song.
http://www.usaprojects.org/project/the_best_hell_ever_be
LikeLike