26/11/11 – 5.15pm: So, here I am I’m writing for nanowrimo, trying to get to 50,000 words. a novel is something i have always wanted to write and get published. more than one! now the thought is quite scary, as my use of language is so impraied or disabled. remembering the words i’d like to use, the ‘big’ ones that sounds more academic and intellingent, lurking within the barrels of my books, the text that speaks to you of cleverness! my ego is being thwarted, so,mehow insulted by this wretched dementia. how fucking dare it steal my soul, as well as my language and knowledge of words and things? This annoys me, although might be a bonus for my regular blog followers as the writing of academics can become very tiresome and an overkill! so often the KISS principle shoulod apply, yes even wiht writing. more is not always better; more clever is not always best. simplicityb is what i’ve got, but the dementia has given me an added clarity (even though it takes me longer to get it out), and the ability to be more open with my expression. it has made me find new ways to communicate, as I’m sure the 10 day vipissana meditation, where we cannot talk to anyone other than our teacher, and then only at set times and in short bursts, will do. my husband is in advertising and marketing, and always reminds me less is best when it comes to getting a message across. so why am i doing this then, why am i tryhing to write 50,000 words, when he says less is best? it must be the dementia!! well, he might say, if i asked him, that no, of course in a book, less is not best, BUT the way you say things mihgt still be. Just like wihtworking wiht people wiht illness or dementia, or speaking to people in general, it is not the words you say, but HOW you say them.When someone is physically or cognitively impaired in some way, and need assistancew wiht personal care, such as showering or toileting, it is imperativge to have a carer we can get to know well, almost become friends with, so that we are not constantly having to expose our naked selves, or get our arses wiped by strangers. These things are not simple tasks to us, they are things which hihglihgt our dependence, increase our feelings our worhtlessness. do not be glib about them, about how we feel having these things done to us – yes, to us, not for us – is how we feel. it is not easy to feel appreciative when it feels like it is being done to us, and even more so, it is somehgting we despwerately wish we could still do for ourselves. (thankfully no one has to wipe my arse yet!).
This is my unedited blog for today, something i wrote whilst doing nanowrimo when the task was not to spend any time editing, just to write. A blog follower (? Paul or Jeff) dared me some time ago to share somehitng that is rael and in the moment, so this is my first attempt to show what is happening to my language, one fo eht things atht is scaring the hell out fo me, one of the things I work os very hard to hide. I asked my daer husband thois morning did he think I should share somehting so raw, and I can’t even remember his answer. So I have made a decision on my own to be brave rtoday; no, I am no thidinbg it. It is a glimpse into my rael worlld, and I hope you can still raed it.
I love this dear Kate. Thank you so very much. xx
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I love this dear Kate. Thank you. xx
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At the time, I hated publishing it! One blog commenter around that time was rather unkindly goading me to ‘prove’ myself… in retrospect she was preparing me for much worse! X
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I am sorry this made you feel sad, and I feel, having read your blog for awhile now, I understand why although obviously my understanding merely scratches the surface of your reality. Nonetheless, I liked it. I liked the content. It’s real, it’s who you are. I liked the soul of the piece.
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only sad momentarily as it forces us out of our ‘denial bubble’ for a while! But as you say, it is real, and who I am, and I have become ok with that. Each time something changes, that is also a reality check, so trying to retain my soul is important.
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Kate,
I did raise ‘the dare’. As others have said a few typos here and there, but articulate as ever! Insightful.
I applaude and thank you.
At school and later at Uni the thought of having to write an essay of ‘x’ words terrified me. The thought of 50,000, makes me want to run as far as I have done when faced with an injection!!
I wish I could find it, but years ago a friend sent me message written in english, where only the fisrt and last leter of each word was corerct. After the initial shock I could read the paragraph with ease. I have always hated english spelling. Why isn’t a boat with sails a ‘YOT’?
Enjoy your current challenge.
Paul
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How funny is that Paul, I really love the English language, and miss being able to use it well easily… it would truly traumatise me to have yacht appear as YOT!!!! And thanks for the dare, I’m glad I finally found the courage to take you up on it. Cheers Kate
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I thought i would try replying with my undeited reply becasue sometimes mine looks just like yours. Oops noww I’m reading back and it does! this is what is worrying me – do I ave demantia too? Or am I just a really bad typer? Please tell me I tyoe badly.
(Ps I can’t touch type so I don’t look at the screen whilst typing – I have to go back and correct.)
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Not sure about you having dementia Sally, but I used to have 120 words per minute touch typist skills with almost perfect spelling and grammar… once I could easily churn out a 5000 word essay with virtually no grammatical or spelling editing required. I seriously hope for your sake it is just your typing skills. 🙂
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That makes me feel better for me, but sadder for you.
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Kate
Your strength makes me feel lacking. I know I’m not. But you amaze me.
Love
John xx
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Thanks John, and one of these days, come and join me in my real kitchen for a real cup of tea or coffee. It’s been way too long… xx
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I had no trouble reading this at all! I think as a member of the lazy social media generation I’m used to reading facebook messages and posts that look like this just because people are lazy with their language. Even with the spelling errors, you still express yourself way better than most people!! I applaud your bravery for revealing this part of your own experience of dementia with the world. Lots of love xxx
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You are the bravest person I know. I hope this blog doesn’t upset you too much when you read it back in a couple of days. Always there for you. Love Pete.
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Oh well, I’ve already balled my eyes out finding it and reading it, so thought, what the hell, does it really matter anyway as for now; I am still able to, and can find the time to edit things when I really need to (about 15 minutes needed for this short reply with editing!!).
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Oh Kate ! this is hard for me to read, I want to skip over it, get you to delete it and agree with you it fucking sucks BIG TIME!! How brave, honest & open you are, how scared I feel for you in this moment, daring and doing are two different things yet you have chosen to do both, I want to fix it but know that I can’t..
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you are ‘fixing’ it in the best way possible, as you are with me xoxoxoxo
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