Brain blackouts!

Another day of wondering what the hell happened to my brain! It is also a struggle today to be bothered writing a blog, or even getting out of bed. Sometimes I jump out of bed early as that is the only way to stay motivated to keep on with fighting against dementia, even though it would be good to stay and snuggle up with DH and the cats a bit longer. A bit like a speaker I heard years ago who was determined to improve her situation, and believed reading every day was one of the keys to becoming a leader (I agree with her too). Late at night, which was the only time as a working mother of 4 young kids that she had the time to read, she used to stand up and lean against the wall to read for 30 minutes, as if she sat down or read in bed, she just fell asleep. I often think of her determination, and find strength in her words, and joy that I have remembered them. The blogging community, especially the people out there writing about living with dementia, or writing about living with someone they love who is living with dementia, remind me not to give up. Other friends are simply there for me, no questions asked, no judgement about how our friendship ‘should be’, for which I am grateful. We all are facing our own struggles and it is wonderful we can support each other. My dear husband is presenting in New Zealand for 15 minutes, and together we are working on his speech. I am sure it is daunting for him to have been asked to share the pain (and joy) inside his heart about loving someone with dementia and I feel very proud that he is willing to help others through this deep sharing of his soul. He says my blogging helps him, and so I am sure his talk will help many others. There are days (like today) the effort seems too hard to fight against the symptoms of dementia, and the will power is struggling, but the other option is not really very palatable, so the kick in the bum I give myself has to be a bit harder! He (DH) said recently I don’t write much about the inner struggles, although I thought my words were often rather raw! As I am actively trying to complete my Honours degree this year, my little grey cells, as Hercule Poirot would call them, are really being pushed. This is a good thing, I am thinking more, and working them a lot harder. The annoyance of having to repeat simple things in order to manage this, such as repeating tutorials on how to do academic referencing, is more tedious and a lot harder than a few months ago. So is getting dressed and showering. So is remembering to flush the toilet, and how to make a cup of coffee. So what! Build a bridge and get over it. Toughen up Princess! You can do it! Who cares? Why blog? Why not blog? SO many questions, and so many sayings to remember when the going gets tough. No-one else can do it for me. My BUB (Back Up Brain) can be by my side, reminding me when I forget, but he can’t make me do it, and can’t force me to be or stay motivated. Only I can work on the brain blackouts that I now have every single day, only I can replace the light bulbs going out, or build the places for the new installations. If it is to be, it is up to me.

7 thoughts on “Brain blackouts!

  1. to all of the above replies, HEAR HEAR, it is up to you kate, so just keep on keeping on, as the saying goes, and as i say, (pete you will like this)? or not,,, it is the year 2012, hahahhaah private joke people sorry, so anything is doable. Is that a word. anyway, take care keep up the good work. in bed or out sitting or standing however you want to really, hahahahah this seems like a really cryptic message. oh well food for thought, a term of endearment, and all that jazz, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
    to the moon and back,

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    • hahaha Jac, it is UP TO ME, and has been since I was 14 years old, so it’s just as well I’m happy with that!! Pete said to say, (laugh laugh laugh) have you been drinking??? love you too xxx

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  2. Hello, this blog is not enough obligation and energy consuming work to satisfy you. Broad your purposeful activities. Visit with kindred spirits, start a news letter, take up a hobby, volunteer at your ids school/activities. You got it right its up to you, but leave room for your hubby to support and enable you. Apparently getting an honours degree is losing its purposefulness and becoming a chore. This is not the time of life to take on big time chores. Make a list of your priorities and your activities, try to set objectives for each of your goals. There is not enough going on to drive your mind away from feeling sorry for yourself when you bump into your symptoms. Have more sex, read more, stand up and speak out more, reach out to kindred spirits, start a memory cafe, I’m sure with your fertile mind you can find things to do rather than think about things to do.

    This free unsolicited advice is fun giving, too bad I don’t always follow my own good advice.

    your friend, Ricahrd

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    • Haha Richard, LOL, and your fun loving advice did give me a good laugh, as I often find it oh so easy to give it out too, just very hard to take it (oh, did I really fess up to that!!). This blog is a small part of what I do to keep myself purposeful and motivated, and for my memory bank, I think imperative. Getting that degree has gained much more purpose of late, and is a long way from being a chore, just so much harder than even a few weeks ago to get through the academic side of it. My DH would love the idea of more sex, I’ll be sure he reads this!! Maybe he would say there is actually too much going on, big and small goals, but I simply say, if they are STILL on my list, then I still value them.

      I’m standing up and speaking out so often, some days I feel hoarse, but I will not stop until I can no longer get my words out, or my heart stops beating. I have joined the crusade you and Christine started, and am motivated by your beginnings and continued journeys. As we said at the conference, kindred spirits we most definitely must be. I hope you are well and the workings our your mind are supporting your activities, although maybe that’s the other way around?! Take care, your friend, Kate

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