Writing the Eulogy and funeral service for someone you love is quite the emotional roller coaster ride. On the weekend we made plans to bury my father in law later this week, and have been given the job of writing the Eulogy and Funeral Service. Not stepping on toes is challenging. Being inclusive of everyone is challenging; it is so easy to accidentally overlook family or friends, especially if they have lived interstate or overseas as many of Dads family has. Accomodating the feelings of people who were once related, but through divorce are technically no longer ‘related’ is difficult as if they have stayed in touch, they will be grieving too. I always felt very sad for the new partner of David Hookes (Australian cricketer) after his death, as she seemed to have been almost excluded from his farewell as his ex-wife resumed her place in his life. Writing words that are truly meaningful and reflect his life with honour and love is probably the most important of all, but doing it in a way that also honours those who loved him deserves equal effort as they [we] are the ones left behind to grieve. Whatever our relationship was with the person who has died, and however we might feel about those left behind, it is important [I think] to accept each other, and to try to be gentle with each other. We cannot understand fully another persons relationship with the deceased, nor feel their pain and loss. It is important at a funeral for the words spoken to have real meaning for the people there, something appropriate in memory of this person and for the bereaved to feel some comfort from your words. Some time ago, I was given the Eulogy for a very close friend of mine and asked to read it when the time comes. She is older, and her husband now lives in a nursing home, but her prepared Eulogy is more of a CV or Resume and I’m not sure how much solace it would give the bereaved at her funeral [after she dies!]. I’m sure when the time comes, her more immediate family will want to incorporate this record of her life into something more personal and meaningful to them. I hope my words fulfil the many important things they need to do, and that they reflect the love we all feel for my father in law who I also called Dad.
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This is so true Kate and i am going to write a eulogy for my Grandads funeral when he dies-eulogies are important and reflect on what a wonderful person…was💜
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Talk to him now if you can, even record him if he is up to telling you stories aout his life. It is odd that we learn so many amazing htings about people we love, at their funeral, that we didn’t know when they were alive. x
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Good advice Kate- i always talk to him and enjoy my chats with him even though its like dahjahvoe. I am going to bring my phone round next time and record some stories(nice ones)about his life. Families are very complicated(i have a small family)and my Aunty and Uncle dont speak to him so i feel they will hold some regrets when he goes. That is sooo true, we do learn lots of amazing and wonderful things about them when they die which is very odd, thats what eulogies are for from old friends and family makes us realise heaps of things we didnt know while they were alive and how special they are/were-its so sad how some families(not mine)dont get the chance to tell there loved one how special they were-i hope my Aunty and Uncle have told him that as we have no idea how long he has left🙁💖
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Learn as much as you can, to pass on to your family when he may no loger be able to. Video or tape recording is wonderful to do too, if he doesn’t mind, as being able to see and/or hear the person yoou lvoed so much after they have died is truly one of th emost precious things you’ll ever have left behind xx
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Really good advice Kate and i will do all of that to remember him and reflect about him when he goes. Those are really awesome ideas and i am going to video him and tape record him as hearing there voice once there gone is so important-Grandad will be fine with that i’m sure. So true and he will always have a special place in my heart and although our chats are like dahjahvue(you probably know what i am meaning!)i still enjoy them and treasure every time with him. Its weird because we actually have more photoes of him with Dementia and we generally take photos with him every time we see him as we dont know how many more times we will see him-i should start creating a power point of photoes of him when i am in relaxing mode to keep active and out of trouble! We all miss our loved ones in heaven but what supports us is the wonderful memories you have of them when are priceless💖
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We all have. Different memory’s of loved ones . It will come from the heart God pleas Anne
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of course… xx
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Kate, I am based in Adelaide and am a celebrant. In this role I have written and delivered many funeral ceremonies and eulogies, including for my mother and my younger sister.
If you want to bounce any ideas off an outsider, feel free to contact me. It is a challenging task at the best of times, but especially when writing about a family member. I remember when I started on Mum’s, my brain was mush for a while and I just didn’t know where to start. Fortunately, celebrant colleagues came to my assistance.
The other important thing for the ceremony is for the family to understand that they can choose the venue, the timing and the length of the ceremony. It does not need to be in a funeral parlour, or crematorium chappel. I have conducted many ceremonies in community centres, or gardens, and the venue has been hired for the afternoon, meaning that it could flow from the ceremony into the wake, with the deceased person remaining in attendance so that mourners could take their time making their farewells, etc. or even just having a chat over the coffin.
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Good luck, Kate. It’s a tough gig but I’m sure you’ll do it well. xxx
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Nice one Kate – good luck! x
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Save please, would love to read when I get back.
It will be very heartfelt coming from you as you loved him dearly. Hope it goes well xxx
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Your comment about it being an emotional roller coaster hits the mark.
I think eulogies should be personal, not on behalf of a group. The latter always sound contrived.
My recommendation, is say to your family and friends, “I am happy to do ‘a’ eulogy from me, but i can’t do one for you. Your memories are different, your feelings are not mine”.
Then tell your story which you are so good at doing, in the first person. Others will relate. This is what made me mad about my …, but we had some other funny moments…. and some poingant ones…. He/she lives on in us/them, etc…
Paul
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