In a tribute to a loved one living with a diagnosis of dementia somewhere on the beautiful site Moving Your Soul she said; “I couldn’t see the woman she really was, I could only see what I was missing in her. Now, I can see who she is, who she’s always been, a positive woman with a great passion for life. And I am full of love and appreciation for her.” It is a truly beautiful transformation, so loving and respectful, something to aspire to in all relationships, with or without dementia. This loving carer ultimately chose to see her glass as half full, and therefore her mother’s assets and beauty, rather than the deficits caused by the symptoms of dementia.
Yesterday I spent time with a dear friend who is 83; she and I connect as best friends as if there is no age or generational gap at all. We met as we both lost someone we loved through suicide many years ago, and we both feel this tragic loss is one of the greatest gifts we have ever received. I feel that way about dementia in a way too, as it has opened my eyes and heart more, and again. With every crisis, there are so many wonderful lessons to learn, and gifts to receive if we just let our hearts and minds open up to them. There is always a glass half full if you decide to look for it.
Loss, grief, illness and trauma can ultimately inform your life, in truly positive and meaningful ways, if only you will allow them to. Richard Taylor always says his diagnosis of dementia, probably of the Alzheimer’s type, has become his life’s work and purpose, and he gives of himself to the global dementia community with a willingness of spirit that is truly honorable. His gift is his honesty, and his ability to tell the world what it is like, not only on his website and his book Alzheimer’s from the inside out, but in his many presentations around the world. He has been a true pioneer and leader in the area of advocacy for people with dementia, by people with dementia. His glass looks to be half full too.
Although for people with dementia and their family carers, there are many moments when the glass feels half empty. The phrase ‘is the glass half full or empty?’ is used rhetorically to indicate if a person is optimistic or pessimistic about a given situation. Initially with a major illness or crisis, it is not so easy to see the glass half full, and some people never do, no matter what happens to them. Some people even find the negative in positive events, which is of course their absolute right! Perception is unique to every individual and is simply one’s interpretation of reality. I find striving to stay positive is so much easier to live with, not only for me, but for those around me, and spending too much time with negative people is incredibly draining. The glass really can be half full; you just have to look at it that way!
PS – what is the photo of?? 🙂 That’s you at the front, isn’t it?! 🙂
LikeLike
Yes, me at the front, and the wonderful Richard Taylor at the back, I think between the 15 & 16 signs on the ceiling! It was at the Alzheimer’s Disease International conference in London in March this year.
LikeLike
Hi Kate
While I understand what you’re saying, I’ve got a few comments ………..
You quoted “I could only see what was missing in her ….a positive woman with a great passion for life”. Plus Richard said
“Everyone is always full, they may have problems expressing it, living it. They may need enablers to assist them to live in the fullness of their lives. They may not live fully the way others do, but make no mistake it can feel and be full to them. ”
As terrible as I’m going to sound ……. hear my out.
There are different stages of dementia. I don’t believe that the final stage – the one that I know …. where the patient sits looking blankly ahead or similar … and that need one-on-one attention to stire any sign of life from them – I don’t think that you see anything of the “former” person there. If you didn’t already know them then you can’t begin to imagine what that person was before they got Alz. Plus I don’t believe that people like that are “always full” …… even if you manage to stir a smile from them or even a giggle, the moment you turn away they will immediately revert to the blank stare.
So it is well and good to say all of these “positive” things but the reality is different.
Please don’t think I’m being negative or pessimisic – I believe I’ve being realistic for the types of dementia that I know of. I don’t know about all the types of dementia so not everyone is like this. But not considering the different types of dementia – ignoring the diversity of the different types – isn’t being realistic.
Know what I mean?
LikeLike
I’ll have to give your comments some serious thought… it is complicated, and as you say the end stages for a person with dementia are awful with lots of blanks. I’ve seen people who barely communicate at all who do occasionally shine with their old selves though. Might have to write another blog on this?!
LikeLike
But think one moment Kate …… there are 1440 minutes in a day ……. if they “shine” for one minute, or even 2 minutes …….in the scheme of things this is absolutely nothing.
Know what I mean?
LikeLike
to me, 1 or 2 mkinutes is better than nothing, and I have found the more time they are given, the more minutes they can and will shine, it is just that so few give them the time they need…
LikeLike
what a wonderful group photo and story, well done to all who are moving through tough diagnosis to find the glass half full… my saying for the day
Life is Short. Break the Rules. Forgive Quickly, KISS SLOWLY, LOVE TRULY, Laugh Uncontrollably and NEVER REGRET Anything that Made You SMILE.
LikeLike
Lovely sentiments… I say never regret ANYTHING!
LikeLike
Clink! That’s the sound of my glass, our glasses, being raised and clinked, half full. Thank you Kate, for the reminder.
LikeLike
Clink clink with our full glasses to you too Jane!
LikeLike
Hello, thank you for your kind words and praise. I am just Richard, trying to get through the day. I have found a path which serves my needs in a deely heart felt way. Giving is in effect a selfish act, for what it returns for the the effort is many times in feeling good about myself. Half full or half empty implies I and other people living with dementia are not full human beings. It is to me the wrong question to ask, the wrong way to measure our humanity. Everyone is always full, they may have problems expressing it, living it. They may need enablers to assist them to live in the fullness of their lives. They may not live fully the way others do, but make no mistake it can feel and be full to them.
You are a wonderful human being. Keep on sharing yourself.
Richard
LikeLike
Hello my friend, I love the way you have added to or extended what I was trying to say. Perhaps it is the wrong question, but it wasn’t asked as a way of measuring our humanity, rather as a way of helping to be more positive regardless of what life throws at us. And yes, everyone does live their life to the full, in their own unique way. Keep on being wonderful.
LikeLike
All so true Kate. I hear often from people who live with adversity that there is something precious in what is to be learned about life, love, living, capacity beyond the perceived incapacity.
LikeLike
Thanks Philip… and I love your phrase ‘capacity beyond the perceived incapacity’, says it perfectly.
LikeLike