Having lost my mother in law to ovarian cancer in 2005, it was a sad first Christmas without my father in law. I can recall his and our tears that first Christmas without her. We spent it with my parents, partly because they are elderly now and we are lucky to still have them, and partly to help fill the void of having lost the second parent on my husband’s side of the family. Even my husband’s brother rang on Christmas Day; the brothers have not been close for years but since their father has died, they have become much closer again. Grief and loss can bring people closer, or tear them apart and I have seen it both ways.
No matter how hard we try to let go of it, grief follows us around wherever we go. New grief reignites or reminds us of old losses, and if we have had previous significant ones, then we have to work harder to adjust to a new loss. Times like Christmas and other significant occasions like birthdays and anniversaries usually throw the newly bereaved into total turmoil. The ‘first time’ without them at the table for something like Christmas is really difficult to adjust to, and usually heightens a person’s sense of loss.
For families who have Mr Dementia sitting at their Christmas table, or a loved one locked in a secure dementia unit missing out on sitting at the Christmas table, it can be more difficult than a deceased loved one not being there at all. Bob De Marco wrote about his first Christmas without his mother Dotty who died in May from Alzheimer’s Disease; “I am a little sad and a little lonely. But, the sadness is more than trumped by all the happy memories.” For me, the last few days of spending time with lots of family has been a time of great joy, but with our daily visitors, there has been a constant phrase in the conversations.
Many sentences began with “Remember when…” and on the occasions when I could remember an event or conversation, it was fabulous. But on the times I could not, it was lonely, and on the inside of my heart, it increased the sadness, fear and feeling of isolation. It is easier to pretend to remember, but not always so easy then to participate in extended conversations about events and people, as pretending only works at the very beginning. This is when the feelings of humiliation and embarrassment enter the inner world of the PWD, even if they say nothing about it. By blogging, I will be able to ‘remember when’ I thought or did something, and with the love and support of my family and friends, we will get all through it.
So true Kate and i might be experiencing that this year or next year at christmas with my Grandad as he is continually declining rapidly physically and mentally-its a been a long and hard battle🙁
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Sending you all healing hugs xx
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Your last paragraph is exactly how I feel …… this paragraph especially
“But on the times I could not, it was lonely, and on the inside of my heart, it increased the sadness, fear and feeling of isolation. ”
…. but I feel that all through the year, not just at Christmas.
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I feel sad for you my dear online friend… xo
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It must be difficult and I have seen this with you, your honesty is refreshing and yet it can stop conversations dead. I have seen you encourage others to keep the story going despite the fact you can not remember. Memories are there to be shared and being part of those memories for other people makes your struggle worth while. it may not seem like it to you but from where I sit, I would have you and your honesty any day to not having anything..
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thank you my friend, holidays and special occasions always heighten my awareness or insight that I am les and less a part of the conversations, in the sense that I cannot keep up. No need to stop being together, just have to find ways to cope. Writing helps me heal, and hopefully helps others understand more fully. Not for me but for when they are with someone in their own family or work with dementia. You, like me, are direct and honest… not everyone can cope with it! 😉
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I lost my own mother in February of 2011. Christmas was such an important part of her life, with a tree in every room. She plays such an important part of so many of my memories at this time of year. But, this second Christmas without her is easier to bear, with many of those memories losing their ability to cause so much pain. I know that she is celebrating the best kind of Christmas possible — in the arms of her Lord.
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Blessings to you.
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how lovely kate darling, i spoke to a friend via facebook yesterday and she had lost her mum just this yr about 3 months ago, so for her like you the first xmas and other special occassions would make her and family very sad to, and the “remember when” would also be and i/we dont think anything on how you would feel and your feelings but now you have told us how you feel i feel for you being sad not remembering.??? does that sound double dutch hahaha, you know what i mean tho im sure, as you have said it all. hope you had a great few days with your ma and pa. and had a lovely trip back on ferry today???to the moon and back dear ones. xxxxx
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Double Dutch or not, it sounds wonderful… as always. Never stop reminding me of our times together as there are many times I do remember, and I’d hate for us to stop laughing and jokong our way through the reality. love you to the moon and back too xoxox
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