I sat and cried for a while…
I cried for those people who I miss and still love who have left this world
I cried for the babies I lost in utero
I cried for my friends who have lost people they loved
I cried for having dementia
I cried for all the other people with dementia
I cried it is getting harder to function
I cried it is getting harder to paddle like that swan
I cried that doing the right thing or what is necessary sometimes unintentionally hurts others
I cried that almost always people takes things personally
I cried because this also hurts me
I cried that many people with dementia do not see value in a unified voice
I cried because without a strong global voice change will be too slow
I cried for those friends and family who no longer speak to me
I cried for a mother and father to talk to me before they or I die
I cried for the lost relationships with some nieces, nephews and godchildren
I cried for those who make a stand for better care, and get abused for it
I cried because my having dementia affects my husband and kids
I cried… and I cried… and I cried… and I cried
And then I got back up and made a plan to keep going
…
I stopped crying
Authors note: thanks to everyone for your messages of support; no words to tell you how much they helped, and sorry I did not respond to each one of them. Today, is, thankfully, MUCH better, and I guess the saying about a good cry making you feel better is true! I wrote this poem yesterday, in the depths of my sorrow and anguish, and initially was not going to post it here, but in fairness to the reality of living with a dementia, which is that you cannot possibly live well with it all the time, it seemed unreasonable not to publish it here.
Pingback: #LivingBeyondDementia – Living Beyond Dementia™
Dear Kate
Came home from spending day with mum at her ‘new’ home…..read your poem and couldn’t keep from crying myself. Thank you , thank you, thank you.
I am really looking forward to reading your book. Not long to go now!
All the best
Carmel xxx
Hope your tears helped Carmel… bug hugs to you (both) xox
Hi Kate
Such a beautifully written poem. Heartfelt.
Just a thought , maybe you could share this poem at the right time, with some of those friends and relatives, who may not have fully appreciated where you are coming from, especially those close to your heart. If they don’t get it. Well then that’s their loss…. You Gave it a shot. And you have friends real and virtual who care for you. Tears can be good… Take care
Thanks Michele.. I think it’s way past that, and it hurts too much to be rejected. I would not have the emotional strength to get through it again I don’t think
You are a remarkable lady with so much strength. One is allowed to let go of your feelings in order to regain control.
Enjoy your postings… You are inspiring and encouraging. Thank you!!
Thank you xx
Hugs Kate xx
thank you ❤
“I cried for those who make a stand for better care, and get abused for it”
Thanks for crying for me too ❤
You were indeed in my thoughts and heart and tears dear Susan xoxox
💐 and a virtual hug ( ) . Illness is often a lonely road but dementia seems to be the most alone. Take care x
I think without my beautiful blog readers, it would be MUCH lonelier… thanks you for being there and for the hug xox
A beautiful piece. Writing does help! And then make the next plan. I like that. I cry too and I plan and then I cry again but I know there will be another plan! Love you Kate!
Love you too dear Michael xox
Big hugs and love xx
Thanks dear Alex xox
Crying allows the tear ducts to clear, allows bottled emotions to flow and allows healing. xoxo
That happened for sure, but reading all these lovely replies has me crying again! xox
And crying is good b/c I hope you feel the love and admiration from all of us. xo
❤ ❤ ❤
That is what makes you a beautiful person Kate! Stand true and steady and all will be well…Hugs and love to you…VK ❤
Hugs and love right back at you girlfriend xox
Thank you for the beautiful poem, Kate. Hang in there, you are an inspiration. Tears & hugs with you. Love, Joy
Thanks dear Joy… and yes, I cried for you too xoxox
Hi Kate thank you for your honest and heartfelt writings; your poem today, I would suggest, is in keeping with those who have cried, or ached with pain and sadness, through-out time. I saw so much in your words that spoke of your heart – know that you are not alone in this journey, for thee is a very clear purpose (calling?) that is within you, and when we honour this calling – whatever it is – by living our lives with integrity, this is what honours the creator who implanted that ‘calling’ within us. I’m not sure if that makes sense or not – but if you read some of the Psalms written by David in the old Testament, you’ll see a very similar sense of David being confounded by his situation and purpose, as he shakes his fist in anger and despair at his situation; but after he does this there comes a sense of purpose again, and a degree of peace within. You are such a blessing, Kate. much love, anita
Sent from my iPhone
Thanks beautiful Anita, very helpful words xoxox
I hope this means that you’re feeling a bit better today Kate … vert glad ….. would a holiday to do things purely for pleasure be something you’d enjoy? For example, a holiday to Venice or Paris etc. Sending you healing hugs ….
Thanks dear friend… now Paris or Venice both sound wonderful but perhaps we won’t make it there this weekend! ps the Twitter chat thing is on the 21st January, 8pm xox
((Hugs))…sometimes it is good to let it out, clears and unplugs the body. Forward to a better future. ❤
Indeed dear Faith… onwards and upwards, together, through the increasing fog! xox
What a beautiful heart felt poem that says so much. You are an exceptional and inspirational woman and so many of us support you. Glad writing the plan helped – remember so many of us agree with you xo
Writing the plan is sometimes the hardest to do, but it almost always work for me xox
Reblogged this on 45ragestreet.org and commented:
This poem comes from kateswaffer.com from her blog entitled, ‘Creating life with words:inspiration, love, and truth.’ I read it on one of her friend’s website’s, whom is also struggling with similar problems with family members. I ask her if I could reblog it and she sent me to the source.
I have not read a poem–or any type of writing–like this in a very long time. I felt like I’d been hit in the chest with a sledgehammer. I felt lonely and sad and angry and I grieved . . . for Kate, whom I don’t know, and for those in my own life who are no longer here. I actually had to walk away from my computer to get my bearings. If there is only ONE poem you read in 2016, make this that poem. Thank you, Kate, thank you. — LC
Thank you for your beautiful words dear Laura… and thank you for grieving with me. Much love and know it helped a lot, having you here xoxox
I cried too this week Kate – I cried because both my mum and dad are not with me any longer, have not seen my daughter grow up, and just because I miss the two people who gave me life. I miss them every single day, and more so this time of the year as this is when mum died in my arms.
I cry for the loss of a friend last month at the age of 34, who will never have the privilege of growing old.
I cried secretly and not for long, because I am in so much pain every minute of every day and am at the stage where the exhaustion and debility sometimes does my head in.
But I cry too because it will be over very soon and so happy tears mingle with the sad.
Then I tell myself to harden the f**ck up Princess, and put my tough girl boots on and kick through it – because there is always those much worse off than us.
We have a life many would envy. We have not seen our families slaughtered in front of us. We have a roof over our head and food on our table. We have both arms and legs, or our sight and hearing. We are not wheelchair bound – well I am almost. Lol. We have blue skies and the smiles of our children. We have hugs and love and joy.
We all must cry but we all must allow the crying to release our fears so that in the outpourings we can actually see through those tears to the amazing journey we have been given and that, despite hardship and pain, we have been given a precious gift.
Smile – it uses much less muscles than crying.
Big hugs to you Kate and I do hope that your beautiful smile is today your inspiration. Continue to sparkle my friend.
xxxxxxxxx
Toughen Up Princess is one I use as well Leah…. we cry together, we cry alone… and it always helps xoxox
We do cry together, for each other, with others and for others – to have the ability allows us empathy and compassion always my lovely Kate.
Big warm hugs Princess.xx
❤ ❤ ❤
Big hugs Kate and I hope the next few days get even better.
Gosh I’m looking forward to seeing this ‘keep going’ plan in action, because the little that I know of you makes me think that it won’t stop there.
PS. I’m glad you’ve recently taken some time for yourself. xx
Thanks John… Think of it like a longer version of the Camino!!! xox
A big virtual hug. Nowhere is good as the real thing. Vx
Received in bucket loads, and ‘felt’! xox
Thanks Kate for your honesty and telling it how it is for you. Hugs Judy xx
Thanks for the hugs xxx
I cried too this week. As hubby in hospital and doesn’t understand. But happy we can all be here for him through his challenge of behav ftd. We love him so. X
Big hugs to you through your tears xox
crying is as much a part of life as it is breathing. to share this with us your friends is our honour, if only I could be there in person to give you a hug xxx
You gave me a big hug online yesterday… I definitely ‘felt it’… love you forever GF xoxox
It is difficult to read your post without howling myself. Thank goodness my friend Dominique introduced me to you.
Sorry! but thanks for being there xx