I sat and cried for a while…

/ January 15, 2016

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I sat and cried for a while…

I cried for those people who I miss and still love who have left this world

I cried for the babies I lost in utero

I cried for my friends who have lost people they loved

I cried for having dementia

I cried for all the other people with dementia

I cried it is getting harder to function

I cried it is getting harder to paddle like that swan

I cried that doing the right thing or what is necessary sometimes unintentionally hurts others

I cried that almost always people takes things personally

I cried because this also hurts me

I cried that many people with dementia do not see value in a unified voice

I cried because without a strong global voice change will be too slow

I cried for those friends and family who no longer speak to me

I cried for a mother and father to talk to me before they or I die

I cried for the lost relationships with some nieces, nephews and godchildren

I cried for those who make a stand for better care, and get abused for it

I cried because my having dementia affects my husband and kids

I cried… and I cried… and I cried… and I cried

And then I got back up and made a plan to keep going

…

I stopped crying

Authors note: thanks to everyone for your messages of support; no words to tell you how much they helped, and sorry I did not respond to each one of them. Today, is, thankfully, MUCH better, and I guess the saying about a good cry making you feel better is true! I wrote this poem yesterday, in the depths of my sorrow and anguish, and initially was not going to post it here, but in fairness to the reality of living with a dementia, which is that you cannot possibly live well with it all the time, it seemed unreasonable not to publish it here.

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51 thoughts on “I sat and cried for a while…”

  1. Pingback: #LivingBeyondDementia – Living Beyond Dementia™

  2. Dear Kate

    Came home from spending day with mum at her ‘new’ home…..read your poem and couldn’t keep from crying myself. Thank you , thank you, thank you.
    I am really looking forward to reading your book. Not long to go now!
    All the best
    Carmel xxx

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  3. Hi Kate
    Such a beautifully written poem. Heartfelt.
    Just a thought , maybe you could share this poem at the right time, with some of those friends and relatives, who may not have fully appreciated where you are coming from, especially those close to your heart. If they don’t get it. Well then that’s their loss…. You Gave it a shot. And you have friends real and virtual who care for you. Tears can be good… Take care

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  4. You are a remarkable lady with so much strength. One is allowed to let go of your feelings in order to regain control.
    Enjoy your postings… You are inspiring and encouraging. Thank you!!

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  8. A beautiful piece. Writing does help! And then make the next plan. I like that. I cry too and I plan and then I cry again but I know there will be another plan! Love you Kate!

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  13. Hi Kate thank you for your honest and heartfelt writings; your poem today, I would suggest, is in keeping with those who have cried, or ached with pain and sadness, through-out time. I saw so much in your words that spoke of your heart – know that you are not alone in this journey, for thee is a very clear purpose (calling?) that is within you, and when we honour this calling – whatever it is – by living our lives with integrity, this is what honours the creator who implanted that ‘calling’ within us. I’m not sure if that makes sense or not – but if you read some of the Psalms written by David in the old Testament, you’ll see a very similar sense of David being confounded by his situation and purpose, as he shakes his fist in anger and despair at his situation; but after he does this there comes a sense of purpose again, and a degree of peace within. You are such a blessing, Kate. much love, anita

    Sent from my iPhone

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  14. I hope this means that you’re feeling a bit better today Kate … vert glad ….. would a holiday to do things purely for pleasure be something you’d enjoy? For example, a holiday to Venice or Paris etc. Sending you healing hugs ….

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  16. What a beautiful heart felt poem that says so much. You are an exceptional and inspirational woman and so many of us support you. Glad writing the plan helped – remember so many of us agree with you xo

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  17. Reblogged this on 45ragestreet.org and commented:
    This poem comes from kateswaffer.com from her blog entitled, ‘Creating life with words:inspiration, love, and truth.’ I read it on one of her friend’s website’s, whom is also struggling with similar problems with family members. I ask her if I could reblog it and she sent me to the source.

    I have not read a poem–or any type of writing–like this in a very long time. I felt like I’d been hit in the chest with a sledgehammer. I felt lonely and sad and angry and I grieved . . . for Kate, whom I don’t know, and for those in my own life who are no longer here. I actually had to walk away from my computer to get my bearings. If there is only ONE poem you read in 2016, make this that poem. Thank you, Kate, thank you. — LC

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  18. I cried too this week Kate – I cried because both my mum and dad are not with me any longer, have not seen my daughter grow up, and just because I miss the two people who gave me life. I miss them every single day, and more so this time of the year as this is when mum died in my arms.
    I cry for the loss of a friend last month at the age of 34, who will never have the privilege of growing old.
    I cried secretly and not for long, because I am in so much pain every minute of every day and am at the stage where the exhaustion and debility sometimes does my head in.
    But I cry too because it will be over very soon and so happy tears mingle with the sad.
    Then I tell myself to harden the f**ck up Princess, and put my tough girl boots on and kick through it – because there is always those much worse off than us.
    We have a life many would envy. We have not seen our families slaughtered in front of us. We have a roof over our head and food on our table. We have both arms and legs, or our sight and hearing. We are not wheelchair bound – well I am almost. Lol. We have blue skies and the smiles of our children. We have hugs and love and joy.
    We all must cry but we all must allow the crying to release our fears so that in the outpourings we can actually see through those tears to the amazing journey we have been given and that, despite hardship and pain, we have been given a precious gift.
    Smile – it uses much less muscles than crying.

    Big hugs to you Kate and I do hope that your beautiful smile is today your inspiration. Continue to sparkle my friend.
    xxxxxxxxx

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  19. Big hugs Kate and I hope the next few days get even better.
    Gosh I’m looking forward to seeing this ‘keep going’ plan in action, because the little that I know of you makes me think that it won’t stop there.
    PS. I’m glad you’ve recently taken some time for yourself. xx

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