At the time, finding meaning in hostility publicly directed to you, at someone you love or towards something you represent, is not easy. Add in a diagnosis of dementia, and it is almost impossible, and seriously impacts ones ability to ‘paddle‘. In my case this also impacts the ability to speak as the PPA component of my dementia has worsened again in the last few weeks. In fact, a week ago, one evening, I could barely speak at all, and naturally am quite worried about what is ahead. My amazing husband is also very concerned about it, rather understandably.
Anyway, today after being defamed publicly again overnight, my speech has almost disappeared again, so I will stick to typing today, at least until my pain levels get too high to keep going. The Fentanyl patches I was prescribed last Monday are not yet working, so I’ll also need yet another appointment with one of the ‘fake’ doctors who prescribed them…
Always, after time, one can find meaning in bad things, including personally directed hostility, a crisis and even a terminal illness. But last night was the last straw, and the lesson I’ve obviously not learned well enough yet, but realised when I woke up today, is that my list of people who I have had to block in order to protect myself and especially my health, still needs to grow. I’ll of course look hard in the mirror again, as seem to keep attracting mean people in my life. I also hope this person will ask a few honest questions about herself after dishing out more of this challenging behaviour.
Currently, I’m still looking for the meaning in this last burst of hostility… especially as it has taken over 4 hours to write this short blog, and my energy and ability to do much else now, has also been sapped.
I can hardly wait for Jonathon to fly home.