This may not be such a positive blog today! I have a private blog called ‘What the hell is happening to my brain?’, which many of you know is also the first part of the title of my book soon to be released, and I may have even posted at least one blog with that title before today.
It would actually be good to have a clearer picture of what is happening to my brain, but even my neurologist has admitted he doesn’t really know that much about the brain, not specifically mine, but the brain in general!
As far as my neurological conditions, dementia being just one of them, it is sometimes challenging to manage them all, even with the support of good specialists and a very good Neuro Physiotherapist.
Anyway, lately, the scrambling inside my brain has increased… and I am sure two paracetamol once or twice a day has not done it. Words are harder to find, and it is taking much more effort to speak well. I’ve also noticed significant changes with my memory, both short term and long term, as has my BUB.
That is not to say I am not managing; I am, but the paddling is significantly harder. My dear husband has certainly noticed the changes, as when we are home and more relaxed, I don’t fight to function ‘perfectly’. My loss of dignity, which feels at risk of being thwarted publicly much more lately, is not a problem at home, because we are so comfortable with each other. it is a relief to relax, but also more difficult to live inside the denial bubble when I do that!
It is indeed, a strange experience, feeling like I a losing who I once was, losing thee knowledge and memories I had stored away, or at least my ability to access them. And even though that is happening, I am still all here, if you know what I mean. I am not an empty shell, or fading away, even though sometimes it does feel like that; I am simply changing, in ways that others are not.
So, as I do not have a genetic type of dementia, as with most people diagnosed with a dementia, we do not know 100% for sure if it is a dementia, or whether the cognitive disAbilities have been caused by something else, but I am changing, and I have lost access to a lot of my knowledge and memories, and my functioning has changed.
The only way to know for sure I have dementia is an autopsy, and for some strange reason, I am not quite ready for that yet!